Ontario government announces plan to blame the feds if school reopening plan goes wrong

TORONTO – The Ontario government announced its new plan to blame the federal government in the event that their plan to reopen schools during a pandemic backfires. “Parents will know that i…

Leafs bring comfort and normalcy during tough times by collapsing in playoffs

TORONTO – Seeking to restore a bit of familiarity to hockey fans living in such uncertain times The Toronto Maple Leafs are upholding their long-standing tradition of just shitting the bed …

Report: Best way to know if the dishwasher is running is to open it while asking “is the dishwasher on?”

WINNIPEG – An official report from the Government of Canada states the best way to know if the dishwasher is running is to open it while simultaneously asking “is the dishwasher on?” “The r…

Police in Niagara-on-the-Lake investigate drive-by hooting

NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE, ON – Upper-middle class residents of a picturesque town are on edge after reports of a drive-by hooting that police say exceeded 75 dB. Locals became suspicious of the …

Man sure for the sixth time this summer that his hangover is COVID

London, ON – Awaking with a throbbing headache, parched lips, nausea, a general desire for a swift demise and all the other tell-tale signs of a hangover, Jack Bennington was seized by a familiar…

NRA accused of embezzling thoughts and prayers

MANHATTAN – The attorney general of New York has launched a lawsuit alleging the National Rifle Association has engaged in decades-long fraud involving the embezzlement of members’ thoughts…

Doug Ford pleads with own reflection to let him lower class sizes

TORONTO – After saying that if it was up to him he’d keep class sizes at 5 kids due to the COVID pandemic, Ontario Premier Doug Ford was spotted pleading with his reflection to let him lowe…

Local gay bar installs plexiglass to protect against influx of straight women

TORONTO – As part of the province’s stage three reopening protocol, a local gay bar has installed plexiglass to protect patrons against an influx of straight women. “Safety is our top priority,” …

Street performer who pretends to be statues getting nervous

TORONTO – As Black Lives Matter protests across North America have begun calling for the dismantling of statues that uphold values of white supremacy, local bronze-painted statue performer …

“Oops, I left my mask in the car,” says man who does not own a mask or a car

Every grocery store, Canada – The guy who spent 45 minutes inside the store already without a mask has now alerted one of the employees he left it in his car despite not owning a mask or a …