Billion-dollar public transit infrastructure ready now that everyone works from home
OTTAWA – After years of waiting and billions of dollars spent, ambitious public transit projects are finally ready now that everyone is working remotely. Trains, buses, and subways across m…
Kisko unveils new lambskin freezie that won’t cut your mouth when you suck it dry
WOODBRIDGE, ON – Kisko announced a bold new change to its popular Mr. Freeze freezies that will see the plastic sheath replaced with lambskin to protect customers’ mouths when they gr…
Racist facebook friend got married
Kitchener, ON – Reports from your facebook account indicate that Mitch, a guy you once met on a camping trip and who has been posting increasingly racist memes for several years now, recent…
Trailer for new Kevin James film confirms: Kevin fall down go boom
Trailers for Kevin James’ latest Netflix film “Bonk if You’re Horny” confirmed that this summer; big dumb toenail Kevin James fall down, much bang, head go boom. Directed by a shook up can of pil…
“I bike everywhere!” brags cyclist who can afford living downtown
TORONTO – Brian McFarlen, a local cyclist who can afford to live less than five minutes from the heart of downtown, has bragged about biking everywhere. “It’s a great way to get around whil…
Ally hospitalized for fatigue
VANCOUVER – Local ally Maggie Jenkins has been rushed to area hospital after suffering from a chronic case of allyship fatigue. “I don’t know what happened,” said Jenkins from her hospital …
Restaurants require female servers to wear skimpier face masks
TORONTO – Restaurants across the GTA are enforcing a new dress code on its female servers obliging them to wear face masks that are tighter and reveal more skin. The new “face thongs” revea…
Trudeau chides vandals for not politely asking statue to stop being monument to brutal racist
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wanted those who toppled a statue of noted proponent of Indigenous genocide Sir John A. Macdonald to know he is deeply disappointed in them for not us…
Erin O’Toole nabs Canada’s coveted racist statue demographic
OTTAWA – This weekend the Conservative Party’s new leader made promising inroads with a key voter demographic: Canada’s tight-knit community of racist statues. “What happened to our brother…
Shrivelled up remnant of soap daring you to use it
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