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OCAD University: University Reviews 2014

Name:

Nickname: The Jenga of Universities

Motto: “You can’t put a price on art. Wait, yes you can, it’s $6,000 a semester”

History: 

OCAD University was originally founded as the Ontario School of Art in 1876: a place where prim little dandies and elegant fops could escape the beastly, just beastly, treatment of their fathers, whose rough, leathery brains would never truly appreciate the struggles of young alcoholics with access to paint.

The school instituted Victorian life-drawing courses in 1894, which consisted of various women showing one, or, in the upper year class, both ankles for students to draw. The ankles were of course kept behind a screen to prevent an outbreak of Ankle Madness among the male students.

OCAD’s most recognizable building, the Sharp Centre for Design (pictured above), was added in 2004. The expansion has received multiple prestigious architectural awards, including the “Least Accessible for People With Vertigo” Award, the “How The Fuck Does It Stay Up?” Award, and the “Seriously, Is It Like… Magnets?” Award.

OCAD’s least recognizable building, the Blunt Centre for Getting High (not pictured above) is located in Dan’s mom’s basement.

In 2008, president Sara Diamond changed the pedagogy to reflect an increased emphasis on sleeve tattoos, pink dreadlocks and fancy little moustaches for fancy little fellows.

As of 2010 the acronym “OCAD” no longer stands for “Ontario College of Art and Design”. Does this confirm rumours that the institution was really founded as a temple for the ancient Sumerian Demon Prince, OC’AD, He Who Is The Great Defiler of All Art?

Historians say, no.

But we aren’t fucking historians.

We are artists, and we demand that you listen to our crazy ideas.

 

Pros: 

– Last year’s pictureless but full-price art history textbooks taught students a valuable lesson in how to go fuck themselves.

– Admission requirements include getting an unusual body piercing.

– Good visual art will be put on the college’s giant refrigerator door.

– Design students will learn the many ways of making undesirable products desirable. For example, is it unsmooth? Make it smooth. Also: People like touch screens.

– Each graduating class gets to keep one of the giant struts holding up the Sharp Centre.

Cons: 

– Due to the above tradition, OCAD will be forced to close in 2019.

– Your oil painting that represents the inherent injustice of capitalist systems you spent 8 months working on will be sold to a corporate lawyer who needs something to match his sofa.

-You don’t know anything about science or history, but check out this rocking chair you made out of clocks. It’s a metaphor.

– Dad won’t actually appreciate it when you nail together all his two-by-fours for your “deconstruction of wood” art project.

Did you know? 

…Classrooms are set up so that an equal number of students are seated in each corner of the building so that it doesn’t tip over to one side?

…That if you take life drawing they’ll just, like, let you look at naked people for 3 hours a week?

…That the staff at the Village Idiot are usually okay with it if you vomit in a pint glass at your table? At least that is true in the experience of this one humble writer.

…That most of the above stuff isn’t true, but, like, isn’t art just supposed to question the central pillars of human existence and isn’t truth, like, the most central pillar?

Famous Alumni: 

That one guy who hangs out outside the pizzeria and stacks things that aren’t usually stacked

Banksy – Well, not really. But don’t you want to come to OCAD and spraypaint a picture of a woman breastfeeding a gun now?

Michael Ironside – star of such films as Thunderground (1989), Chaindance (1990), Hellevator (1991), Killumination (1992), Stabdominal Muscles (1993)

Want hilarious satire you can listen to? Check out The Beaverton Weekly Report podcast here