Watchful cat beginning to make introverted ceiling demon nervous
VANCOUVER – A demon that resides in the corner of the Johnson family’s living room ceiling has been growing increasingly concerned about the attentions of its host family’s 14-year-old cat, Mr. S…
Greta Thunberg named Person of the Year in magazine no one from her generation reads
NEW YORK – This week, 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg graced the cover of TIME Magazine, as 2019’s ‘Person of the Year,’ to the shock of Baby Boomers everywhere. Recent r…
Local atom goes through half-life crisis
WINNIPEG, MB — Particle physicists at the University of Winnipeg have found a rare example of an atomic half-life crisis. “It started when we noticed this one boron isotope acting a little …
Scheer checks into rehab for milk addiction
OTTAWA – Former Conservative Party Leader Andrew Scheer has checked himself into a treatment center for his milk addiction. “After a conversation with my kids, my loved ones, and my friends…
CPC furious after Scheer pays for private schooling with party funds instead of oil kickbacks
OTTAWA — As Andrew Scheer resigns the Conservative leadership, party leaders are furious he used campaign funds to pay for his children’s private schooling, as opposed to the usual so…
Andrew Scheer makes first savvy political calculation
OTTAWA – Sitting in a darkened room, his fingers steepled in contemplation above a chess board, the newly-resigned Conservative leader awaited the consequences of the first intelligent poli…
Dozens flee local bar after noticing microphone stand
LONDON, ON — What was supposed to be a regular night, at Dawson’s Pub and Eatery, turned to mayhem last night when the appearance of a microphone stand sent many patrons fleeing for their l…
20,000 lovers fill arena to watch their ex-man put on a ring
TORONTO – Roughly 20,000 broken-hearted people filled Scotiabank Centre to watch their ex man put on a ring. Millions more of the grief-stricken couldn’t look away from their television scr…
“Fuck it, put four dolphins on the cover” says exhausted textbook publisher
TORONTO – After struggling to find an appropriate visual representation of calculus that carried any sort of positive connotation, an exhausted textbook publisher finally gave up, throwing …
Kawhi celebrates return to Toronto by visiting his favourite H&R Block
TORONTO – Several months after leading the Raptors to their first NBA title Kawhi Leonard has returned to Toronto, so naturally has marked his return to the city by spending the afternoon a…
