WASHINGTON – The two remaining frontrunners in the Democratic primary may have very different platforms and policies, but they can agree on at least one thing: if they were to contract coro…
U.S.
Biden announces he’ll make more public appearances when Animal Crossing: New Horizons stops being so sick
WILMINGTON, DE- Following mounting public concern regarding Democratic candidate Joe Biden’s limited presence in the public eye, a his campaign announced Biden will begin addressing his constitue…
Kremlin still can’t remember trigger word to activate Bernie Sanders
MOSCOW – A source inside the Kremlin has confirmed that the handlers of deep cover operative Bernie Sanders have lost the password needed to activate the commands placed in his subconscious…
Biden within hair-sniffing distance of Democratic nomination
WASHINGTON – After being declared the winner of the final Democratic debate by several publications and continuing to lead in the primary delegate count, Joe Biden is now within hair-sniffi…
CDC urges Americans to stay safe by doing opposite of everything Trump says
ATLANTA, GA — Following a televised White House address, the Centers For Disease Control is urging Americans to take precautions against the COVID-19 virus by studying President Trump’s ins…
Breaking: U.S. President to be man for record 232nd straight year
WASHINGTON D.C. – With Elizabeth Warren dropping out of the Democratic Primaries the United States will break its own record for longest time governed exclusively by men. “Sure we considere…
Man who took 30 years to win one state considered “electable”
SOUTH CAROLINA – Joe Biden is now the presumptive nominee for the Democratic Party and the “man to beat,” following a primary win in South Carolina that only took him a third of a century t…
US arms doctors to shoot COVID-19 on sight
WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has ordered all physicians to immediately shoot COVID-19 wherever the novel coronavirus appears. “We’re going to do a great job killing coronavirus wh…
Woman who has watched every Democratic debate cannot name MPP
TORONTO – After watching all 7 US Democratic debates, participating in numerous Twitter arguments regarding the primaries and listening to dozens of podcasts about the various factors that …
Roger Stone sentenced to wait several days for presidential pardon
WASHINGTON, DC – After being found guilty of seven counts of lying to Congress, obstruction and witness tampering, Trump adviser Roger Stone has been sentenced to prison for up to several d…