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Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews

Name:

Nickname: Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot University

Motto: “Please do not force us leave our homes” (In use since the 1700s)

History: 

Acadia University was founded in 1838, when the town of Wolfville became so boring that a seminary spontaneously appeared. Initially, there were 21 students at the University, the entire population of people in Nova Scotia at the time. Since then, enrollment has decreased by some 40%. I cannot stress enough to you how small this university is. It is like a little tiny bird of a university that sits in the palm of your hand and chirps naively and you could crush it any time that you chose to crush it, but you choose not to because it is so, so sweet. It is a sweet little university and we love it very much.

Thanks to misleading advertisements, new students arrive show up expecting four years of perfect blue skies, peaceful cohabitation, and amazing oral sex when really they’ll only be getting overcast weather, roommates who don’t clean, and average-to-pretty-good oral sex (unless you’re a straight woman, in which case, give these 19-year old boys a break).

According to both Wikipedia and the university’s website, Acadia cannot account for its whereabouts or activities between the years of 1893 and 1996, a span of time in which over 4000 unsolved murders were committed. Of course, we don’t think that Acadia was responsible for any of those. After all, such a sweet, cute little university couldn’t possibly have committed such horrible acts, could it?

Could it?

Anyway, Acadia currently offers mandatory undergraduate classes in “Advanced Shallow Graves”, “Introductory Alibi Construction”, and “How Long It Will Take The Insects To Eat The Corpse of My Victim? 101”

Acadia was shut down by teacher’s strikes in the years of 2004 and 2007, but both strikes were resolved when the teacher returned from getting coffee.

Pros:

– Close-knit student community means everyone will know, and have an opinion on, all the stupid things you do during your undergrad.

– President Ray Ivany has a motorbike, leather jacket and is super lame… If you think that making a jukebox work just by smacking it is lame, you blind fool.

– “Slutten Cutten” is an annual sex-positive party at Cutten residence, and is also the name of a Brock Stapleton slasher flick from the 1970s about an annual sex-positive party at a university residence that is interrupted by a scythe-wielding maniac. But don’t worry, Cutface isn’t a real person, right?

Cons:

– 1/5th the size of Dalhousie, Acadia also only has 1/5th of a Registrar. Good luck changing your program, because Registrar Mound of Offal is busy in near-constant meetings with a bunch of crows and vultures.

– Wolfville is home to Little Wolfville, the largest Lupine settlement outside of Wolfmerica. Unfortunately, the area is being rapidly gentrified. Visit Savelilwolfville.com to learn more.

– As many as one third of you will perish at sea. (Grand Derangement joke, swish)

– The black mold that shut down Cutten House for five years is back, and is very sexually transmitted this time.

Did you know? 

…That Soldiers from Boston have been sailing over and collecting scalps from Acadia students since the early 1700s?

…That the 2012 Cheaton Cup hockey/drinking fundraiser raised $2500 for cystic fibrosis through donations and $35,000 for the township of Wolfville through liquor-related fines?

…Acadia has only one doctoral program because it managed to cut off the heads of all the other Acadia doctoral programs?

…That optimists and pessimists have differing views on the half-completed Crowell Tower?

…That in the late ‘90s, the Acadia Advantage program issued all students notebook computers? These computers are still in use, to this day, as desks.

Famous Alumni:

Peter MacKay, about three months away from saying something that makes him lose re-election.

Charles B. Huggins, the most adorable lil Nobel Laureate.

Ron James, very successful Canadian comedian: owner of almost one entire mid-sized sedan.

Joanne Kelly, star of Warehouse 13. Oh hey, I think I caught an episode of this once. Not bad, Joanne!

Want hilarious satire you can listen to? Check out The Beaverton Weekly Report podcast here