WASHINGTON D.C. – As details leak of the Iran-US peace plan, including a rumoured $300 billion reparations payment from the US to the Iranian regime, President Donald Trump was quick to reassure supporters that this by no means indicates that the US lost the war.
“Some people, stupid people, some people who are stupid and think stupidly, they might think: Hey, if there’s a war and if at the end of that war the attacking side has to give the side they attacked hundreds of billions of dollars just to set things back to how they were beforehand, maybe that side lost?” Mr Trump was heard opining to guests ringside at the White House UFC event this weekend.
“And you know what I say to those stupid people? I say, use your brains guys, nothing’s free in this world. You have to pay for everything,” Trump added, “And by ‘you’, I of course mean, ‘the American people have to pay, and not me’.”
The details of the Iran “Peace” “Plan” are causing friction for Trump’s spokespeople, including Vice President JD Vance, who explained the treaty on Fox News this morning. “While it’s true that we don’t negotiate with terrorists, we do sometimes have to unfreeze all their bank accounts if they successfully close international shipping lanes and we are powerless to stop them. That’s standard. This is all normal course of business stuff at the end of highly successful wars where you get everything you wanted and nothing goes wrong.”
“In some ways, the better you win a war, the more money you then have to pay someone at the end to stop them fighting you,” explained Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “I’m a student of history, and remember Vietnam? When America absolutely, no doubt about it, won that war, we paid a lot of money at the end there, too.”
“You need to think of all the stuff we’re getting for our $300 billion,” added Vance, offering some circumspection. “Reopening the Straight of Hormuz? Inspections for Iran’s nuclear facilities? Yes, okay, this is all stuff we also had before the war, but now we get to have them after the war as well. You can’t put a price on that kind of consistency.”
As for the President, the most important thing was that his deal compared favourably to the peace-time treaty signed by Barack Obama in 2015.
“You remember that Obama deal? What an awful deal that was. $400 million and he didn’t even get them to reopen the Straight. So stupid. Nobody thought about reopening the Straight until I came around, and spent $300 billion. Art of the deal, baby.”
