DOLLYWOOD – Following the passing of beloved country music icon and humanitarian Dolly Parton, millions of tattooed urban progressive cyclists have joined in profound mourning alongside open carry uncles who post conspiracy memes on Facebook.
Parton, born in 1946 in Pittman Center, Tennessee, was a legendary singer-songwriter who sold more than 160 million albums worldwide, appealing to audiences that ranged from the co-worker who’s in a complex 8-person polycule, to the thrice-divorced uncle who used to buy you fireworks on Canada Day.
The Grand Ole Opry legend wrote and recorded dozens of hits, including “I Will Always Love You,” “9 to 5” and “Jolene”, all while captivating millions of fans who would ordinarily be arguing bitterly with each other in a comments section.
“My dad and I haven’t agreed about anything since Seinfeld was on the air,” notes Toronto resident Quentin St. Pierre, “but we could always agree on playing ‘Islands In The Stream’ on the car radio.”
“I’m not exactly welcome at Thanksgiving anymore,” adds longtime uncle Rex Jensen, “but back when I was, we’d always relax after dinner by watching 9 To 5. That Dolly could act!”
Mrs. Parton’s extensive charity work included her Imagination Library, support for LGBTQ rights, and secretly co-producing iconic feminist classics like Buffy The Vampire Slayer, which in turn earned her lifelong support from numerous other groups with absolutely no other common ground whatsoever, such as rugby fans, BBQ enthusiasts, queer book club organizers, guys who own speedboats, skeet shooters, girl dads, ferret owners, poet laureates, tractor pull fans, and multiple popes.
At press time, the smiling ghost of Dolly Parton was politely encouraging her grieving fans to “try figurin’ out of they all got a few other things in common”.
