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National
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Government classifies ‘dat ass’ as an essential service

Employees at home working hard at pretending to work

Breaking: All the news happening all at once

Team Canada to be divided based on petty regional differences

Local jerkwad only on day 3 of quarantine

Local psychopath still planning on celebrating April Fools’ Day

Local woman scrambling to find single presentable corner in decrepit apartment for work Skype meeting

Shower wondering if it’s ever going to see you again

TTC adequate for first time in 40 years

Eglinton LRT construction extended just long enough to be cancelled at last minute

BlogTO real excited about that new Starbucks

Commuters warned not to retrieve items dropped on subway tracks unless it’s your phone in which case fair enough

Half of Osheaga too high to realize festival ended 2 days ago

Still searching for buyer, Montreal Alouettes now listed as fully furnished

New law requires Quebec to show its racism visibly

Montreal riots after Boston loss

Huawei paid us $150 to write this article calling for the acquittal of Meng Wangzhou

City that hosted 2010 Winter Olympics fails to prepare for snow again

Impeachment hearings relocated to Vancouver to reduce production costs

Oh great, the Gastown Steam Clock is vaping now

Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one

Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood

Dempster Highway to be renamed after bread company’s sponsorship ends

Dawson City River fountain deemed a success

Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt

Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation

Low-income student receiving free tuition to be given Ontario’s $348 billion debt next year

University-aged Buck-a-Beer connoisseurs taste the subtle hints of intoxication

Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews

Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews

OCAD University: University Reviews 2014

Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews

NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government

Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority

90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party

Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing

China concerned Western authoritarian government will cover up coronavirus outbreaks

China happy that all this Huawei business is distracting from their genocide

Boris Johnson, fellow Brexiters celebrate Scottish Independence Day

Democratic primary candidates find common ground in being high risk for coronavirus

Biden announces he’ll make more public appearances when Animal Crossing: New Horizons stops being so sick

Kremlin still can’t remember trigger word to activate Bernie Sanders

Biden within hair-sniffing distance of Democratic nomination

Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice

July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation

Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr

Canadians Learn About Gandhi and Serial Killer Gilles de Rais
Sports
- Sports
Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing

NCAA searching for new ways to exploit student athletes after cancellation of March Madness

IOC asks all athletes to participate in Tokyo Olympics from their homes

Airlines announce jet demolition derby to make up lost revenue
Business
- Business
Airlines announce jet demolition derby to make up lost revenue

Devastated stock brokers with faces in hands clearly not taking coronavirus precautions seriously

Experts scramble to figure out how global oil price crash the fault of Wet’suwet’en protestors

Fancy Tim Hortons just as bad
Culture
- Culture
- Lifestyle
- Health
- Opinion
- Parenting
- Stats
- Classifieds
Doug Ford extends quarantine after learning how long it takes to grow out bangs

Modern day Shakespeare? This woman wrote another explicit One Direction fanfic during quarantine

Locked down Canadians gather on balconies, struggle to collectively sing really fast part of One Week by Barenaked Ladies

Nation’s parents lured back inside houses with promise of Jeopardy re-runs

New puppy feeling a lot pressure to fill massive emotional void in owners heart

Social butterflies soothed by nonstop robocall scams

Local hamster celebrates eight months in social isolation

Cruise lines now offer deluxe coronavirus upgrade over basic norovirus package

FDA eases restrictions on gay blood donors unless they’re hot

Local jerkwad only on day 3 of quarantine

Local teen grounds parents for sneaking out of the house

Netflix’s “Are You Still Watching” only social contact in days

Suspending me again from the Senate is no way to treat an Indigenous person by Senator Lynn Beyak

Political correctness is waging the War on Boxing Day

It’s too soon for stores to be hanging Christmas dildos

I saw 20 minutes of Iron Man 2 and I’ve thrown up every day since – By Martin Scorsese

Weird couple names their son “John”

Baby celebrating first birthday just happy so many shapes could make it

Nation’s toddlers refusing to budge on no-nap policy

Children impressed, sad at how much Dad knows about Transformers

86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages

2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview

Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles

What are you dressing up as for Halloween?

LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.

ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.

UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Spring tip: salt your garden to prevent from freezing!

Finally, Compromise: Flat Earther suggests maybe planet could be hexagonal

Neat! Murdoch Mysteries has been on so long it now takes place in the future

How to slip in the fact that you’ve watched Rian Johnson’s modern whodunit Knives Out to people at work

You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?

You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?

You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?

You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?

QUIZ: Did you time travel or just nap until it got dark out?

QUIZ: Is your essay too short, or are post-secondary treatises a futile and meaningless exercise in quantifying intellectual abilities in a way that presents a moral and physical hardship to their creator?

QUIZ: Have you made an informed decision not to have children or are you a selfish witch?

Quiz: What future Canadian drug shortage caused by the US will you die in?

10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on

6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor

5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you

These 5 people now live in P.E.I. because they couldn’t pay the $47 Confederation Bridge toll

How To Go Vegan…Next Week

Guide To: Edmonton

Guide To: St.John’s

How To Lose Weight
Video
- Videos
- Full Episodes
Wretched old man brings you trash you asked for

White man brags about how diverse Toronto is to his group of white friends

The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special

Strategic Voting succeeds in preventing any real change to system

The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special

Watch: Season 3, Episode 8

Watch: Season 3, Episode 7

Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
Podcasts
- The Beaverton Weekly Report
Trans activists make absurd demand to be treated like human beings

Doug Ford demands Green Party apologize for letting Oshawa GM Plant close

St. Michael’s principal promises to restore school to acceptable levels of toxic masculinity

The Beaverton will pay whatever it takes to not see Tony Clement’s dick
The Book
Workshops

ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.

November 7, 2010 by Staff

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ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
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Locked down Canadians gather on balconies, struggle to collectively sing really fast part of One Week by Barenaked Ladies
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