Washington D.C. – The White House has witnessed a whirlwind of activity since the election as outgoing president Donald Trump is determined to commit as much treason as he can during his short time left in office.
“We’ve really started ramping up the treason as we approach January 20th,” says Trump’s Chief of Staff Mark Meadows. “Election tampering, of course, we’re getting into that in a big way, it’s obviously where we’re putting most of our effort right now. But we’re also pardoning war criminals and looking into selling off as much of the nation’s infrastructure as we can. Maybe appointing Vladimir Putin to the Supreme Court. Nothing’s off the table at this point.”
While over the course of his presidency Trump has engaged in too many illicit activities to recount, his focus has shifted since losing the recent presidential election to explicit crimes against the state of which he is, at least in theory, the head.
“I mean, it’s the ultimate fantasy, isn’t it, burning down your workplace after you’ve been fired?” says workplace psychologist and revenge expert Leslie Myers. “Of course, when you’re the president of a country, that fantasy in practice is less about telling your boss to fuck off and more about sociopathically plunging an entire nation into political and institutional chaos from which it might never recover.”
Republican operatives have lamented the fact that Trump seems hellbent on leaving the United States in a shambles when he departs and are wondering where this energy was when destroying the fabric of society might have helped them in the last election.
In related news, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump were recently seen asking where people with access to nuclear weapons might unload them for cash in a hurry.