OTTAWA – Last weekend, Canada’s Ministry of National Defence confirmed their main strategy to fend off a potential invasion from the United States is to wait for American forces to be killed off by the many preventable diseases currently plaguing the country.
“To quote The Art of War, the opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself,” said Minister of Defense David McGuinty. “While this is arguably applicable to most things in the Trump administration, we figured it would be simplest to barricade the border and wait for the entire army to succumb to whatever virus or contaminated lettuce they could’ve eradicated months beforehand.”
“Good thing we have all those plans to shut the border from the pandemic that we didn’t get to use. Who needs military spending when the enemy is committing biological warfare against themselves?”
According to a recent survey of outbreaks south of the border, there is no shortage of long-since cured diseases that could end any military aggression from the States. Minister of Health Marjorie Michel confirms the plan to shelter in place, and let America’s own crumbling healthcare system end them has considerable viability.
“Infectious diseases are always a major issue in any military encampment, let alone in a country where they only check children for 3 diseases now,” notes Michel. “In America, there are confirmed or likely cases of e coli, salmonella, diphtheria, explosive diarrhea, corrosive diarrhea, incendiary diarrhea, normal diarrhea, measles, mumps, chicken pox, bird flu, swine flu, regular flu, whooping cough, COVID-19, COVID-20, COVID Zero, hantavirus, norovirus, gigavirus, hepatitis A, hepatitis B, hepatitis 3D, and RSV. Outside of New Jersey, there may be even more.”
“We wouldn’t even have to cut off their access to vaccines, as many Americans either refuse or can’t afford to take them,” adds Michel, applying Purell to her hands.
The Ministry of Defence has acknowledged that disease may not even be what eliminates the potential American threat. In the event that Canada comes under siege by our southern neighbour, the invaders are just as likely to succumb to starvation from lack of food security, asphyxiation from declining air quality, or mass desertion when Trump spends the entire military budget to build a golden statue of himself on Capitol Hill.
At press time, the Ministry of Defence has ordered a number of flyers warning Canadians not to offer any medical assistance to U.S. Armed Forces members without extracting payment equal to what they would’ve paid in their home country.
