Antarctic glacier heard you like your seawater on the rocks
ANTARCTICA – After listening to humanity’s actions and proclamations for the past 60 years, a local Antarctic glacier took the hint and started preparing Earth’s seawater to be served on th…
Orlando rebrands as ‘Orwatero’ in anticipation of climate change
ORWATERO – In an effort to be the first city to recognize the new reality that much of the earth will soon be covered in water, Mayor Buddy Dyer has announced that Orlando, FL is changing i…
Tyler, the Creator to battle Tyler, the Destroyer
LOS ANGELES – Amidst the Field of Trials located deeply within the Destiny Shroud, 4,000 trumpets sounded as rapper and alt-hip hop star Tyler the Creator emerged from the foggy deeps to fight hi…
Canadian holiday tradition of angrily berating teenagers continues
OSTRAVA, CZ – The long-held Canadian holiday tradition of berating 16-to 19-year-olds for losing a hockey game started a few days earlier this year. Fervent displays of the holiday spirit d…
BREAKING: Narwhals are real, apparently
GREENLAND – In an announcement that is still taking some time to process, scientists confirmed once and for all yesterday that narwhals are apparently actual animals that really exist, and aren’t…
Man offered $69 court settlement accidentally accepts with kneejerk “noice!”
VICTORIA – Jack Lambert was hoping his lawsuit against a contractor whose shoddy work caused structural damage to Lambert’s home would at least net him enough money to pay for the repairs&#…
Choking man with fantastic abs impossible to Heimlich, dies
VANCOUVER – Sexy, muscular tragedy struck today as local man Harrison White choked on a piece of locally-sourced, environmentally conscious hamburger. His rippling abs prevented the Heimlic…
Pornhub leak reveals most of their actors are not actually step-siblings
MONTREAL – Porn enthusiasts are reeling after an information leak at Pornhub has revealed that most of the actors on the site who claim to be step-siblings are not related at all. “I just f…
Political correctness is waging the War on Boxing Day
BY: JIM MARSHALL It’s that time of the year again where millions of Canadians come together on this sacred day spent either lounging, shopping, or in deep reflection on its meaning. You’ll hear t…
Corporate Santa gives children annual performance reports
TORONTO – Millions of children across the globe woke up early to open their annual Christmas performance reports from Corporate Santa. Anxious youngsters, both naughty and nice, were judged…
