TORONTO – In efforts to model sound environmental stewardship, the Dog-Walker Association of Ontario has become the latest company to eliminate plastic bags, along with every dog walkers’ s…
Environment
Canadian Gangsters finding it difficult to suffocate people with reusable bag
OTTAWA – With single-use plastic bags becoming harder to come by in Canada many of the nation’s mafioso, made men, and goons report that reusable bags are not as practical at asphyxia…
Single-use plastic bags to be replaced by reusable bags you will use a single time
OTTAWA – With Canada’s ban on single-use plastics beginning to come into effect shoppers will soon be unable to buy single-use plastic bags, which will be replaced by reusable bags they wil…
Breaking: Some sort of entirely futile climate conference happening again
A LARGE CITY WE DIDN’T BOTHER TO LOOK UP ― World leaders are once again convening to draw up a set of ambitious promises they definitely won’t fulfill, toothless goals which wouldn’t do much anyw…
5 essential pieces for your nuclear winter wardrobe
It’s never been a better time to pick up some sturdy essentials that will keep you cute and cozy through a period of severe and prolonged global cooling brought on by a nuclear catastrophe! 1. A …
Ocean bird choking on plastic straw still agrees paper straws are the worst
VANCOUVER – In a rare interview, a sea bird floating off the pacific coast of British Columbia has confirmed that, although it is currently struggling to breathe around plastic straw wedged…
New U.S. Environmental Protection Plan basically just giving nature guns
WASHINGTON, DC- The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency announced its new strategy to conserve natural spaces; distributing firearms to all native plant and animal species to allow them to prote…
Invasive spoon found in bedroom
CALGARY – According to reports from the Whittaker household, a spoon has been found on a bedroom nightstand despite the utensil’s natural kitchen habitat being well over a dozen steps away. “Whil…
“Thanks, it has pockets!” says God, talking about the universe
MILKY WAY – In a rare interview, God made a statement about how excited they were about the pockets in their universe. They then did a cute little twirl to show off said pockets, sending a …
Guy who fucking hates wetlands really stoked about election outcome
CALEDON, ON – Public reaction to this week’s provincial election results has been mixed, save for one local man who is thrilled to watch the slow decimation of Ontario’s wetlands. “I couldn…