TORONTO – The Liberal Party of Ontario has announced that it will hold off selecting a leader until the 2022 provincial election is over. The pocket-sized party whose entire caucus can fit …
Ontario
Coronavirus inside air passenger excited about Doug Ford’s cuts to public health
SOMEWHERE OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN – A Coronavirus cell incubating in an air passenger destined for Pearson International Airport is eager to exploit the many ‘efficiencies’ in the public hea…
Ontario’s education minister chastises first graders for not knowing their ABCs: “Always Be Closing”
GLENGARRY COUNTY, ON – Ontario’s Education Minister Stephen Lecce gave a stern lecture to an underperforming class of grade 1s about the business of Ontario’s education system. “I hear what…
False alarm: Employee responsible for pressing wrong button for alert resumes pressing wrong buttons at nuclear plant
PICKERING, ON – Officials at Ontario Power Generation explained that the employee responsible for this morning’s false alarm about an incident at the Pickering nuclear power generating stat…
Toronto’s expensive housing market forces Harry and Meghan to consider living in Barrie
BARRIE, ON – Astronomically high housing prices in Toronto have forced Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to consider living in Barrie for their new North American home, unconfirmed reports sug…
Armoured convoy escorts Caroline Mulroney out of Hamilton
HAMILTON – After announcing the Ford government was cancelling Hamilton’s LRT, Ontario’s Transportation Minister Caroline Mulroney was escorted out of the city. Ten LAV III and two Leopard …
Doug Ford starts Christmas celebrations with traditional cutting down of wind turbine
PRINCE EDWARD COUNTY, ON – Ontario Premier Doug Ford and his provincial counterparts got into the holiday spirit by chopping down their own Christmas wind turbine. Ford invited his friends …
Trudeau, Ford bond over shared love of ethics violations
OTTAWA – At a meeting of the minds last week, Ontario’s Premier Doug Ford and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau found common ground in their shared love for disregarding ethical codes of conduct. The…
Catholic Church erects monument for fetuses who will never grow up to be a victim of a priest
BELLEVILLE, ON – An anti-abortion monument has been erected by the Knights of Columbus for the fetuses who will never grow up to be a victim of a priest’s abuse. “The Catholic Church contin…
Doug Ford knocks on cellar door to see if it’s okay to come out
KENORA, ON – Rapping on a rickety plywood door from his subterranean hiding, Ontario Premier Doug Ford sheepishly asked his Conservative Party handlers if it was okay to come out now that t…