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How To Go Vegan…Next Week
National
National
Local
Toronto
Montreal
Vancouver
North
Campus
University Reviews
Canada Votes 2015
“So I can’t wish people a ‘Happy Canada Day’ anymore?” asks man who has literally never done that
Report: you can still get drunk and enjoy day off without it being in honour of Canada
Pressure to reopen border mounts as more and more wayward frisbees flung into U.S.
Experts advise house hunting millennials to stop buying lattes and start forming exploitative development groups
Man who inherited Muskoka cottage shares opinion on land sovereignty
“Sorry I can’t come, there’s a blimp attack,” says woman who’s forgotten how to avoid social obligations
“Rename it Daddy’s Day,” demand nation’s perverts
🔒 Man who “loves reading” actually just likes falling asleep while holding a book
John Tory defends ruthlessly evicting Unhoused people from parks: “Toronto belongs to the rich”
Police on horse ready to stop train robbery
Toronto Police leave homeless encampment in peace after residents say they’re just a 24 hour anti-mask protest
Report: Casa Loma just some rich guy’s house
Montreal rioters concerned COVID rules are destroying small businesses before they can destroy small businesses
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
Half of Osheaga too high to realize festival ended 2 days ago
White man listing privileges starting to feel pretty accomplished
iPhone battery collapsing from 100% to 1% signals arrival of winter
Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it
Huawei paid us $150 to write this article calling for the acquittal of Meng Wangzhou
Tied Yukon election to be decided by traditional chainsaw throw
Yukon exposed to 2 cases of assholes
Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
York Professor asks for a note from a dictator before agreeing to defer student’s exam
Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
World leaders pause climate change talks out of respect for the burning Amazon
Pope Francis prays for someone to take responsibility for Catholic residential schools
“Why did Meghan murder Prince Philip?” ask British tabloids
Queen’s cousin dies
Unvaccinated Americans swayed by chance to visit Thompson, Manitoba
Quiz: Is this scenario a plot point from The Handmaid’s Tale or something currently happening in Texas?
Pentagon announces plan to Irish Goodbye troops out of Afghanistan
Trump definitely going to jail, claims reporter who’s new here
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Sports
Sports
CBC forced to exclusively cover Cameroon’s Olympians after selecting wrong country in licensing menu
Exhausted queer community asks why first out gay hockey player had to be a Predator
Leafs fans think team should trade their bad players for other teams’ good players
Team that wasn’t subject to Salary Cap better than teams that were
Business
Business
Wealthy man enjoys bonding with barista over finally going back to work
New Loblaws commercials sees Galen Weston Jr. replaced by self checkout machine
Ford’s other daughter Kyra to rework the name of her shop, Swastika Sweets
Burger King invokes prima nocta
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
Ontario movie theatres reopen just in time for sweaty hand job season
Disney announces new Pocahontas movie exploring tragic, sympathetic backstory of white Christian imperialism
Catholic church one broken commandment away from bingo
Opinion: Do women deserve rights?
Canadian government releases PSA reintroducing the concept of time
Fully vaccinated grandparents descend on nation’s strip clubs
Natural deodorant deemed a waste of nature
Ikea introduces pre-packaged little black hairs for men to sprinkle over their bathrooms
Anti-vaxxers celebrate killing more people than most dictators
Woman two minutes into her first maskless outing already told to smile
Ford defends Ontarians’ constitutional right to infect their neighbours with Delta variant
Preemptive autopsy reveals patient will die from having organs methodically removed
I’m the agent assigned to monitor your vaccine tracking chip and I’m bored as hell
Opinion: I work out topless because it makes me stronger not because I like the attention
Opinion: Do women deserve rights?
Editorial: If we cancel Canada Day, how will I remember where I live?
Woman who doesn’t want children afraid of never having children
Nation’s dads just reminding you that Mom’s birthday coming up, not that you’d forget
Father giving up on son for Lent
Woman diligently washing vibrator pretty sure she could be a good mom
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
Quiz: Is this scenario a plot point from The Handmaid’s Tale or something currently happening in Texas?
5 tips for reporting on unprecedented weather without mentioning climate change
10 fake celebrity facts we made up on the fly because you demand content
5 Father’s Day gift Ideas that scream “you are a stranger to me”
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
Quiz: Is this scenario a plot point from The Handmaid’s Tale or something currently happening in Texas?
Quiz: Was seeing Jean Chretien choke a guy your sexual awakening or are you normal?
QUIZ: Did you time travel or just nap until it got dark out?
QUIZ: Is your essay too short, or are post-secondary treatises a futile and meaningless exercise in quantifying intellectual abilities in a way that presents a moral and physical hardship to their creator?
Highlights of U.S. Election Day
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
Video
Videos
Full Episodes
Wretched old man brings you trash you asked for
White man brags about how diverse Toronto is to his group of white friends
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Strategic Voting succeeds in preventing any real change to system
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Watch: Season 3, Episode 8
Watch: Season 3, Episode 7
Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
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How To Go Vegan…Next Week
You’re definitely going to do it this time. Definitely.
