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The Beaverton Weekly Report
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How To Go Vegan…Next Week
National
National
Local
Toronto
Montreal
Vancouver
North
Campus
University Reviews
Canada Votes 2015
Trudeau saddened that WE Charity controversy means government will have to do its own job
As U.S. celebrates 155 years since end of slavery, Canada celebrates 153 years of pretending we never had slavery
Canada wins seat on UN Insecurity Council
Trudeau ends arrests for CERB fraud after discovering money is being hidden in foreign tax havens
Black Lives Matter lawn sign is white neighbourhood’s most esteemed activist
Summer camp closure leaves masked killer with too much free time
Condo developers seek help from Marginalized Community on where to gentrify next
5 great excuses not to hang out when you’re free all the time now and they know it
John Tory seeks compromise, offers to de-fun the police
Torontonians celebrate stage 2 of reopening by continuing to do all the things they weren’t supposed to do before
TTC employees admit delays “just don’t feel the same” without angry commuters
Toronto Police Service seeks bold new leader committed to the status quo
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
Half of Osheaga too high to realize festival ended 2 days ago
Still searching for buyer, Montreal Alouettes now listed as fully furnished
New law requires Quebec to show its racism visibly
Huawei paid us $150 to write this article calling for the acquittal of Meng Wangzhou
City that hosted 2010 Winter Olympics fails to prepare for snow again
Impeachment hearings relocated to Vancouver to reduce production costs
Oh great, the Gastown Steam Clock is vaping now
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood
Dempster Highway to be renamed after bread company’s sponsorship ends
Dawson City River fountain deemed a success
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Low-income student receiving free tuition to be given Ontario’s $348 billion debt next year
University-aged Buck-a-Beer connoisseurs taste the subtle hints of intoxication
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Humanity at point where it’s honestly fine with robots taking over
UK government advises residents to pick up cricket bat, wait by door for coronavirus
North Korean officials claim Kim Jong-un not dead, just messy bitch who loves drama
Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing
FBI promises to expedite process of Epstein associate mysteriously hanging herself in prison
Businessman Trump masterfully convinces Putin to lower bounty on US soldiers by 2%
OP-ED: “We must throw money at the police until they are too buried in money to continue with their racist malarkey” by Joe Biden
Woman who sold pussy hats in Etsy shop couldn’t make BLM protest
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Canadians Learn About Gandhi and Serial Killer Gilles de Rais
Sports
Sports
NHL chooses Toronto as hub city due its fans having most experience watching other teams win
UFC Fight Island inhabitants resist allure of the Conch, establish socialist utopia
Desperate TSN programmer just gonna start airing his high school hockey games
Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing
Business
Business
Disney’s Splash Mountain loses coveted title of 4th most racist mountain in America
Air Canada promises 100 bonus Aeroplan Miles to any passenger that gets COVID
Finally a mask for men! This one has a lil dump truck on it
Dixie Cups quietly changes name to Cups
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
Toddler finally has time to catch up with latest season of Doc McStuffins
Study: You’re not a Slytherin, you’re an asshole
Ben Mulroney steps aside from ETalk to make space for White Saviour complex
Aspiring writer makes it to screenwriting competition finals with 19,000 others
Optimistic woman only burns June pages of 2020 planner
Burglar who hid under bed to avoid getting caught has been waiting two months for woman to leave apartment
Spine of woman crouched in front of laptop achieves Golden Ratio
Canada Post overwhelmed by volume of wistful love-letters sent to nation’s eyebrow estheticians
Finally a mask for men! This one has a lil dump truck on it
Health officials recall masks after reports that they are a little uncomfortable and look weird
Local man exhausted after spending whole day accomplishing nothing
Health Canada orders all people to wear full-body costumes from the Masked Singer when out in public
OP-ED: “We must throw money at the police until they are too buried in money to continue with their racist malarkey” by Joe Biden
OPINION: It is nobody’s business what Lindsey Graham does in the privacy of his own voting record
Heartwarming! Major newspaper chain continues to publish deranged rants of ignorant old man
It’s not fair to judge all police officers based on the few bad apples we violently defend at all costs
Friend with young kids clearly fantasizing about murdering you as you describe how boring isolation has been
Weird couple names their son “John”
Baby celebrating first birthday just happy so many shapes could make it
Nation’s toddlers refusing to budge on no-nap policy
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
Freethinker! This woman found a way to criticize Trump that didn’t involve celebrating a war criminal
Inclusivity win! Hallmark introduces golf-free Father’s Day cards
5 Father’s Day gifts that will almost make up for not going to law school
Disgusting: This woman says she misses brunch
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
QUIZ: Did you time travel or just nap until it got dark out?
QUIZ: Is your essay too short, or are post-secondary treatises a futile and meaningless exercise in quantifying intellectual abilities in a way that presents a moral and physical hardship to their creator?
QUIZ: Have you made an informed decision not to have children or are you a selfish witch?
Quiz: What future Canadian drug shortage caused by the US will you die in?
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
These 5 people now live in P.E.I. because they couldn’t pay the $47 Confederation Bridge toll
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
Video
Videos
Full Episodes
Wretched old man brings you trash you asked for
White man brags about how diverse Toronto is to his group of white friends
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Strategic Voting succeeds in preventing any real change to system
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Watch: Season 3, Episode 8
Watch: Season 3, Episode 7
Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
Podcasts
The Beaverton Weekly Report
Trans activists make absurd demand to be treated like human beings
Doug Ford demands Green Party apologize for letting Oshawa GM Plant close
St. Michael’s principal promises to restore school to acceptable levels of toxic masculinity
The Beaverton will pay whatever it takes to not see Tony Clement’s dick
The Book
Workshops
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How To Go Vegan…Next Week
You’re definitely going to do it this time. Definitely.
