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How To Go Vegan…Next Week
National
National
Local
Toronto
Montreal
Vancouver
North
Campus
University Reviews
Canada Votes 2015
Person you would never trust with a gun also a pro-gun advocate
Kielburgers inspire children nationwide to run away from their problems
Erin O’Toole can’t understand why Lügenpresse are criticizing his Canada First policy
Parents relieved to send kids back to school for 3 weeks before they shut down again
Braless woman braces for nipply weather
Local man vows to get even less done during second wave of COVID
Retired thief concerned window is closing for one last heist
Mask-wearing woman rehearses judgmental glare before taking public transit
Beloved condo development torn down to make way for new condo development
“I bike everywhere!” brags cyclist who can afford living downtown
550 Toronto men tell wives they are getting COVID tests “for no particular reason”
Toronto Catholic schools to reopen so kids will be with God sooner
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
Half of Osheaga too high to realize festival ended 2 days ago
Still searching for buyer, Montreal Alouettes now listed as fully furnished
Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it
Huawei paid us $150 to write this article calling for the acquittal of Meng Wangzhou
City that hosted 2010 Winter Olympics fails to prepare for snow again
Impeachment hearings relocated to Vancouver to reduce production costs
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood
Dempster Highway to be renamed after bread company’s sponsorship ends
Dawson City River fountain deemed a success
Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Low-income student receiving free tuition to be given Ontario’s $348 billion debt next year
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Parents no longer consoling kids with: ‘it’s not the end of the world’
UN charity asks world to donate cell phone data to needy Canadians
Putin assures world COVID-19 vaccine has been rigorously tested on political opponents
Humanity at point where it’s honestly fine with robots taking over
Leaked documents reveal Trump met with West Coast wildfire in early July
Trump endorsed by Pseudoscientific American Magazine
Trump slams Bob Woodward for waiting months to expose his lies about coronavirus
Trump vows to wow RNC audiences by crawling out of their televisions and strangling them
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Sports
Sports
Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it
Tough NHL players able to play through injuries, civil rights movements
Chris Cuthbert interrupts scintillating promo for new CBC Gem show with silly hockey game
“How could the ref not see that?” yells hockey fan willfully blind to sport’s co-opting by far right
Business
Business
MEC reassures customers they’ll still charge $800 per sleeping bag
Restaurants require female servers to wear skimpier face masks
Single-ply toilet paper industry saved by school re-openings
Tooth Fairy e-transfers kid in quarantine 25 cents
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
Schitt’s Creek Emmy sweep inspires Canadian government to add another nickel to arts funding jar
Zack Snyder releases Justice League “Perfect Cut” which begins at end credits
Report: All Samuel Beckett’s plays originally ended with the words “GET IT??????”
Netflix adds Canada filter to American shows by removing scenes where characters wear shoes inside the house
“I’m chill about menstruation,” boasts man who has obviously never heard of chunky days
Woman’s retirement plan crumbles after she accounts for living, laughing, but not loving
Optimistic woman only burns June pages of 2020 planner
Burglar who hid under bed to avoid getting caught has been waiting two months for woman to leave apartment
Latest US outbreak traced to Coronavirus eating contest
Canadian in line for COVID test recovers from virus by time he gets to the front
Epidemiologists expect second wave of fuckwittery to be worse than the first
Colony of mask pimples enter industrial revolution
EDITORIAL: Sick teachers are a small price to pay to get me the hell away from the horrible kids I made by choice
Where are all these Covid parties and why am I not invited?
EDITORIAL: The WE scandal proves that charities fucking suck at doing crimes
Editorial: Fine I’ll wear a mask but I want people to see my new nose job
Parents think world-ending catastrophe actually huge opportunity for you
Local father relies on tattoo to remind himself of children’s names
Friend with young kids clearly fantasizing about murdering you as you describe how boring isolation has been
Weird couple names their son “John”
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
Face masks replaces Tim Hortons cups as Canada’s preferred public litter
Heartwarming! This kid is scared of her first day of school for regular reasons
Piccolo, Knuckles and 4 other cartoon characters you didn’t know are Black
Fascinating! Scientists reconstruct what historical figures really looked like and they all look like Steve Buscemi
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
QUIZ: Did you time travel or just nap until it got dark out?
QUIZ: Is your essay too short, or are post-secondary treatises a futile and meaningless exercise in quantifying intellectual abilities in a way that presents a moral and physical hardship to their creator?
QUIZ: Have you made an informed decision not to have children or are you a selfish witch?
Quiz: What future Canadian drug shortage caused by the US will you die in?
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
These 5 people now live in P.E.I. because they couldn’t pay the $47 Confederation Bridge toll
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
Video
Videos
Full Episodes
Wretched old man brings you trash you asked for
White man brags about how diverse Toronto is to his group of white friends
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Strategic Voting succeeds in preventing any real change to system
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Watch: Season 3, Episode 8
Watch: Season 3, Episode 7
Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
Podcasts
The Beaverton Weekly Report
Trans activists make absurd demand to be treated like human beings
Doug Ford demands Green Party apologize for letting Oshawa GM Plant close
St. Michael’s principal promises to restore school to acceptable levels of toxic masculinity
The Beaverton will pay whatever it takes to not see Tony Clement’s dick
The Book
Workshops
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How To Go Vegan…Next Week
You’re definitely going to do it this time. Definitely.
