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How To Go Vegan…Next Week
National
National
Local
Toronto
Montreal
Vancouver
North
Campus
University Reviews
Canada Votes 2015
Trudeau pledges to vaccinate at least eight more people by end of September
Party that promised to institute Pharmacare votes against Bill to institute Pharmacare because it would too quickly institute Pharmacare
Unable to find a single officer not under investigation, Canadian military now under command of local Girl Guide
Erin O’Toole promises that Conservatives will always occupy the political centre of the far right
Local woman apologizes for apologizing
This baby born in quarantine is 38 now
“You can only trust your family!” says mother who doesn’t trust her children
“You’re not like other girls,” says man exactly like all other men
John Tory finally captures arch nemesis – man who built shelters for homeless
Confused John Tory searches for videos that live in people’s heads rent free so he can evict them
Ford moving York Region into lockdown now that everyone from Peel and Toronto have had time to do their shopping there
John Tory tweets “Stay home. Unless you’re being evicted, then get the fuck out.”
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
Half of Osheaga too high to realize festival ended 2 days ago
Still searching for buyer, Montreal Alouettes now listed as fully furnished
iPhone battery collapsing from 100% to 1% signals arrival of winter
Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it
Huawei paid us $150 to write this article calling for the acquittal of Meng Wangzhou
City that hosted 2010 Winter Olympics fails to prepare for snow again
Yukon exposed to 2 cases of assholes
Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood
Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Low-income student receiving free tuition to be given Ontario’s $348 billion debt next year
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Boris Johnson holds emergency press conference to remind everyone his hair still looks like that
Report: Guinness Book of World Records going to be extra bleak this year
Russian opposition leader Navalny will get fair trial, says head judge Vladimir Rutin
Cheers turn to silent horror as New Year’s countdown reads -1, -2, -3
Trudeau, Biden talk sports, how to break central campaign promises
Ted Cruz latest Canadian politician caught fleeing to Mexico
Nation grateful Rush Limbaugh lived long enough to see Trump lose
Trump says impeachment lawyers quit because winning will be too easy and thus unsatisfying
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Sports
Sports
Third man on bobsleigh team admits he sometimes tilts head the wrong way just to feel something
NHL vows to protect players’ elbows from spate of vicious headbutts
Local waiter can’t wait to be killed by his favourite NHL Player
Refs throw penalty flag at The Weeknd
Business
Business
Long-term care facilities to drop “long” and “care” from name
First Bitcoin ETF will combine simplicity of cryptocurrency with integrity of investment stocks
Rogers can’t fucking believe they’re the less evil telecom giant
Bell asks Canadians to stop talking
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
“At least the prequels were bad” argues confused Star Wars fan not knowing what he wants anymore
OPINION: The only thing better than a good comic book movie is watching different recuts of a bad comic book movie over and over again until I die
Ground-breaking new show features two mismatched detectives
Hallmark announces holiday movie about woman who realizes her hometown is an irredeemably racist shithole
Man forced to move after house fills with too many good boxes
Ominous ‘Family Meeting’ invite implies someone either died or wants to play Scrabble
Local man’s hand lotion unable to be placed anywhere without implying that’s where he jerks it
Sleep scientists announce they don’t know what the fuck to do with their arms when lying down either
Trudeau pledges to vaccinate at least eight more people by end of September
Long-term care facilities to drop “long” and “care” from name
Local woman feels like she’s the only person taking pandemic seriously, is right, this has been a huge prank on you Jenny
Anti-maskers celebrate Daft Punk breakup
Opinion: How do we know for certain that the yellow snow isn’t lemonade?
OPINION: The only thing better than a good comic book movie is watching different recuts of a bad comic book movie over and over again until I die
OPINION: I didn’t even want to go outside until the government told me not to
Op-Ed: Dr. Jill, kiddo, a bit of advice here: drop the “Biden”
Father giving up on son for Lent
Woman diligently washing vibrator pretty sure she could be a good mom
‘So far so good’ reports baby carrying around Ming Dynasty vase
Parents think world-ending catastrophe actually huge opportunity for you
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
Oh no! I learned my attachment style and it’s Clippy from Microsoft Word
Move over, sourdough! There’s a new culinary trend in lockdown – bathtub wine!
Wanna feel old? Your childhood dog is dead and everything you care about is meaningless
Innovation win! Schoolyard bully thriving as cyberbully
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
QUIZ: Did you time travel or just nap until it got dark out?
QUIZ: Is your essay too short, or are post-secondary treatises a futile and meaningless exercise in quantifying intellectual abilities in a way that presents a moral and physical hardship to their creator?
QUIZ: Have you made an informed decision not to have children or are you a selfish witch?
Quiz: What future Canadian drug shortage caused by the US will you die in?
Highlights of U.S. Election Day
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
Video
Videos
Full Episodes
Wretched old man brings you trash you asked for
White man brags about how diverse Toronto is to his group of white friends
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Strategic Voting succeeds in preventing any real change to system
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Watch: Season 3, Episode 8
Watch: Season 3, Episode 7
Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
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How To Go Vegan…Next Week
You’re definitely going to do it this time. Definitely.
