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How To Go Vegan…Next Week
National
National
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Toronto
Montreal
Vancouver
North
Campus
University Reviews
Canada Votes 2015
Despite zero confirmations, The Beaverton’s National Leaders Debate will go ahead with empty podiums
Liberals’ first-time home buyer plan will create fake hauntings to drive down prices
Canadians barricading homes in anticipation for 8 more weeks of election bullshit
Elections Canada concerned facts may interfere with federal election
High schooler discovers having camp girlfriend holds no currency
Municipalities warn we’re about to enter peak sewer clown season
Superhero’s girlfriend preemptively saves everyone the trouble and kidnaps herself
Party guest has less fun board game for everyone to play next
Toronto Landlord just needs you to put a 20% down payment on the building before you sign a lease
Doug Ford demands officer who carded Masai Ujiri be allowed to march in Raptors parade
Most affordable apartments in Toronto revealed to be bathroom stalls in club
Doug Ford announces new Toronto subway lines, cancels them before end of conference
Half of Osheaga too high to realize festival ended 2 days ago
Still searching for buyer, Montreal Alouettes now listed as fully furnished
New law requires Quebec to show its racism visibly
Montreal riots after Boston loss
Oh great, the Gastown Steam Clock is vaping now
Local woman can’t find anything she owns despite living in 200 sq. ft. micro apartment
Rest of country to Vancouver: We get it, you have good sushi
Parents trying to decipher alternative school’s crystal-based report cards
Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood
Dempster Highway to be renamed after bread company’s sponsorship ends
Dawson City River fountain deemed a success
Whitehorse grandfather from 2075 regales grandchildren about surviving with only 2 Starbucks locations
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Low-income student receiving free tuition to be given Ontario’s $348 billion debt next year
University-aged Buck-a-Beer connoisseurs taste the subtle hints of intoxication
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Ongoing Titanic deterioration halts production of live-action underwater musical
Trump corrects Ezra Levant’s tweet rupturing fake news space-time continuum
Boeing unveils new jet that looks suspiciously like two 737 MAX 8s in an overcoat
Exhausted Americans petition Greenland to purchase US instead
Detained migrant child worried he’s doing a bad job of raising younger detained migrant child
John Bolton resigns to spend more time urging his family to invade Iran
Trump loses interest in buying Greenland after learning it isn’t a money-themed amusement park
America’s wealthy perverts unsure which of them actually staged Epstein suicide
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Canadians Learn About Gandhi and Serial Killer Gilles de Rais
Sports
Sports
No one at Blue Jays game wants to be there
Canadians grunt in celebration of Bianca Andreescu’s first Grand Slam win
Heartwarming: City of Calgary donates $275M to local billionaire
ESPN returns to ignoring Canada’s existence
Business
Business
Boeing unveils new jet that looks suspiciously like two 737 MAX 8s in an overcoat
Air Canada invokes notwithstanding clause to overturn Air Passenger Bill of Rights
Celebrating Prime Day Results, Bezos awards all robots one extra squeeze of oil
Shoppers Drug Mart launches PC Opium Points program
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
Free speech advocates upset Shane Gillis denied constitutional right to late night TV gig
Friend promises TV show is really good once you get past the first three seasons
Canadian actor enters 40th year as “emerging artist”
Woman’s Postmedia boycott fails when she discovers she’s a subsidiary of Postmedia
Guests furious hotels will no longer be giving out little bottles filled with terrible products no one uses
Woman killed by monster after realizing running is worse than death
Hacked psychic website compromises millions of users’ tarot card information
Two weeks into diet, popcorn ceiling looking a little too delicious
Impacted molar can’t wait to prove smug “Canadian healthcare” retort wrong
Vaping industry responds to deaths by rebranding their product as ‘life cessation devices’
Insurance industry warns that single-payer pharmacare could reduce their access to our money
Zombie therapist wants patients to know that they can’t keep running from their problems
The Multiple Universes Theory perfectly explains those photos of me with another woman, Linda – by Professor H.H. Montgomery
Take it from me, an opinion columnist with no expertise, the MMIWG Commission’s use of the term genocide is wrong
Editorial: It’s time we think about canceling babies
Coconut oil can solve any problem, and yes I’d like to sell you some
Baby celebrating first birthday just happy so many shapes could make it
Nation’s toddlers refusing to budge on no-nap policy
Children impressed, sad at how much Dad knows about Transformers
If I do not inculcate ideals of violence and aggression in my son, how will he appreciate cowboy movies?
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
Mazel tov! Audrey Hepburn poster weds Bob Marley poster
QUIZ: Have you made an informed decision not to have children or are you a selfish witch?
Getting your body sweater ready for Fall
Oh great, the Gastown Steam Clock is vaping now
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
QUIZ: Have you made an informed decision not to have children or are you a selfish witch?
Quiz: What future Canadian drug shortage caused by the US will you die in?
QUIZ: We should totally grab a coffee sometime! When are you free?
QUIZ: Did you grow up watching TVOKids, YTV, or are you a well-adjusted adult that doesn’t use nostalgia as a crutch?
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
These 5 people now live in P.E.I. because they couldn’t pay the $47 Confederation Bridge toll
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
Video
Videos
Full Episodes
Watch: Season 3, Episode 8
Fake news experts The Beaverton teach you how to spot fake news
Oxford Dictionary adding Ontario slang in order to give rest of Canada another reason to hate Ontario
Watch: Season 3, Episode 7
Watch: Season 3, Episode 8
Watch: Season 3, Episode 7
Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
Watch: Season 3, Episode 5
Podcasts
The Beaverton Weekly Report
Trans activists make absurd demand to be treated like human beings
Doug Ford demands Green Party apologize for letting Oshawa GM Plant close
St. Michael’s principal promises to restore school to acceptable levels of toxic masculinity
The Beaverton will pay whatever it takes to not see Tony Clement’s dick
The Book
Workshops
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How To Go Vegan…Next Week
You’re definitely going to do it this time. Definitely.
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