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National
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Canada Votes 2015
Andrew Scheer officially passes John A. Macdonald as best grifter in Parliament history
Government reassures Canadians who ran out of EI they are still eligible for “Call Your Parents” benefit
Health Canada convenes emergency press conference to declare you’re doing quarantine wrong
Scheer furious he didn’t think of staging a coup after 2019 election
Local child living in sewers feels misled by Ninja Turtles
30 year old uses same tone telling toddler not to eat lego as she does telling parents not to go on cruise
Local man not going to take coronavirus seriously until family member lay dying in hospital bed
Woman’s opinion about to get some really good traction after this guy says it
You’ll never believe what Rogers is going to replace the SkyDome with and yeah you’re right it’s condos
Media enters 4th day of wall-to-wall coverage over mediocre BBQ restaurant
Man who never stopped following lockdown protocols welcomes friends back with piercing, joyless laugh
City of Toronto now claims giving change to homeless people is tax evasion
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
Half of Osheaga too high to realize festival ended 2 days ago
Still searching for buyer, Montreal Alouettes now listed as fully furnished
iPhone battery collapsing from 100% to 1% signals arrival of winter
Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it
Huawei paid us $150 to write this article calling for the acquittal of Meng Wangzhou
City that hosted 2010 Winter Olympics fails to prepare for snow again
Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood
Dempster Highway to be renamed after bread company’s sponsorship ends
Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Low-income student receiving free tuition to be given Ontario’s $348 billion debt next year
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Milky Way galaxy shut down after discovery of human fighting ring
Pope Francis supports gay civil unions in an attempt to bring Catholicism into the ‘90s
Entire world stocking up on celebration champagne “for no reason, just in case”
Global security threat infects global security threat
Attempted coup in global superpower much goofier than expected
Toby Keith, 3 Doors Down excited for invitation to play Biden inauguration
Trump pivots to claiming he actually won 2008 election
Trump announces rallies, lawsuits in bid to make self too pitiful to arrest
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Sports
Sports
In preparation for Florida move Raptors replace logo with image of shirtless man shooting fireworks at an Alligator
Hundreds of Leafs fans demand the NHL “stops the steal” of the Stanley Cup
“Athletes have the easiest job ever,” says man who would cry if his employer traded him to Winnipeg
Breaking: Stanley Cup won 6 days ago
Business
Business
Black Friday shoppers prepare for outdoor bloodbath this year
Woman’s opinion about to get some really good traction after this guy says it
Comedy industry not sure if it can survive without physical location for sexual predators to thrive
Study: 90% of Canadians unable to say name Fabricland without immediately repeating it faster and louder
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
Struggling single mother awarded grant to continue pursuing her fledgling music career
Straight man brags about being only straight man in theatre school
The Crown blasted for repeated portrayal of Britain
Local man’s Donald Trump-Apocalypse Now analogy falls apart instantly
Rising COVID case numbers risk killing vibe at house party
Canadian vampires can’t agree if blood should come in bags, jugs, or cartons
“I’m chill about menstruation,” boasts man who has obviously never heard of chunky days
Woman’s retirement plan crumbles after she accounts for living, laughing, but not loving
Midwives offer contactless deliveries
Aunt Ruth to finally take COVID seriously now that she knows dogs can catch it
REPORT: Couples most successful at quarantining when one a master of disguise
COVID cases replaces racism as thing Canadians think they handle better than the States
Veterans fought for my freedom to kill them with COVID-19
Editorial: I could have saved you from all of this, you beautiful little fools – By Jeb Bush
Straw man is idiot
EDITORIAL: Sick teachers are a small price to pay to get me the hell away from the horrible kids I made by choice
‘So far so good’ reports baby carrying around Ming Dynasty vase
Parents think world-ending catastrophe actually huge opportunity for you
Local father relies on tattoo to remind himself of children’s names
Friend with young kids clearly fantasizing about murdering you as you describe how boring isolation has been
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
Highlights of U.S. Election Day
People are looking at your LinkedIn profile, and boy are they horrified!
Mental health experts recommend eating a block of Parmesan over the sink and lying about it
Adorable? This cow and dog are best friends but the cow keeps feeding the dog QAnon propaganda
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
QUIZ: Did you time travel or just nap until it got dark out?
QUIZ: Is your essay too short, or are post-secondary treatises a futile and meaningless exercise in quantifying intellectual abilities in a way that presents a moral and physical hardship to their creator?
QUIZ: Have you made an informed decision not to have children or are you a selfish witch?
Quiz: What future Canadian drug shortage caused by the US will you die in?
Highlights of U.S. Election Day
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
Video
Videos
Full Episodes
Wretched old man brings you trash you asked for
White man brags about how diverse Toronto is to his group of white friends
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Strategic Voting succeeds in preventing any real change to system
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Watch: Season 3, Episode 8
Watch: Season 3, Episode 7
Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
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How To Go Vegan…Next Week
You’re definitely going to do it this time. Definitely.
