OTTAWA – Minister of Finance Bill Morneau has announced that in order to increase efficiency and lower costs the Department of Finance will be transitioned to a shell company with a numbere…
National
Quebec demands English Canada recognize its distinct racism
QUEBEC CITY – The government of Quebec has passed a new law banning the Niqab as a way to prove that their brand of racism is unique and independent from the racism prevalent in the rest of…
Nation’s women running out of ways to say “YEAH OF COURSE IT’S HAPPENED TO ME!”
OTTAWA – A social media trend created in response to producer Harvey Weinstein’s assault allegations has reportedly exhausted methods for women to say “Yes all women”, “Me too”, “Obviously”…
Sears closure leaves nation’s mothers unsure where to buy you ill-fitting pants
WINNIPEG – Sears Canada has announced plans to close down all operations, leaving the nation’s mothers at a loss for a place to purchase you irregularly sized sweaters, marked-down belts, a…
CRA to impose 40% tax on short, fleeting moments when retail workers feel alive
OTTAWA – In a document posted on its website Canada Revenue Agency has announced that, moving forward, all of the country’s retail workers will be required to give the government 40% of the…
Rogue cop bucks system by going to jail after shooting teen
TORONTO – After a fatal encounter with an unarmed teenager, one renegade cop is bucking the system by actually going to jail for the crime. “I called him in and demanded that he not give me…
Brad Wall delivers emotional eulogy at funeral for Energy East pipeline
CALGARY – Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall gave a powerful and touching eulogy earlier today for a young pipeline whose life was tragically cut short. “Energy East was never given a fair chan…
Report: Julie Payette already bored
OTTAWA – Early reports indicate that Canada’s 29th Governor General Julie Payette is already bored of being the Queen’s representative in Canada. The former astronaut and engineer who was o…
New Canada Food Guide asks, ‘You really gonna eat that?’
OTTAWA – Canada’s Food Guide is getting a complete overhaul, revamping the ten-year-old publication to deliver a clear nutritional message: “You’re doing it wrong.” The new Food Guide will …
Nova Scotia named best province to walk into the sea and end it all
HALIFAX – According to a survey by the Center For Goth Canadian Studies, Nova Scotia has been named the best province to walk into the sea and end it all. The results of the survey reveal t…