OTTAWA – Rejecting accusations that he is similar in any way to President Donald Trump, Canada’s equivalent to Donald Trump Jr. released a statement denying his party is in any way fa…
National
Canadians relieved our right-wing, authoritarian politicians not charismatic enough to inspire Coups
OTTAWA – In the wake of the attempted storming of the US Capitol Building, Canadians are expressing relief that our many far-right, anti-democrat politicians are too bland to inspire an arm…
Canada’s military to vaccinate aging equipment first
OTTAWA – The Canadian Armed Forces announced it will prioritize the oldest and most vulnerable military equipment for COVID-19 vaccination. With the average age of their equipment often two…
O’ Toole clarifies only criminals in prison shouldn’t be vaccinated; Criminals in government still good to get theirs
BOWMANVILLE- After receiving backlash for his tweet that criminals should not be inoculated with the COVID vaccine before health care and front line workers, Leader of the Conservative Party of C…
Canadian physios overwhelmed as nation injured patting itself on the back
FORT LANGLEY, BC – Physiotherapists nationwide are reporting a sudden influx of Canadians who have been injured trying to pat themselves on the back after witnessing the chaos erupting in t…
Conservative, Liberal, NDP politicians find common ground over thinking they’re better than the rest of us
OTTAWA – After years of partisan rancour and division, federal and provincial politicians from the three major parties have finally found an issue they agree: lecturing Canadians to stay ho…
Canada’s vaccine roll out in slow motion for dramatic effect
TORONTO – In what many expected to be a rapid deployment of vaccines, Canada’s immunization response to the coronavirus has been in slow motion to ensure a dramatic effect that will captiva…
2020: The year we all became incels
OTTAWA – Reports from the nation’s uncoupled population indicate that 2020 is the year we all became involuntary celibates. “It’s been a hard year.” Says Abby Aquino of Hamilton. “My sex li…
Canada blocks travel from the U.K about 500 years too late
OTTAWA – Canadian officials have announced a suspension of travel from the United Kingdom due to safety concerns of people living on this land, approximately 500 years too late. “With this …
Nation’s uncles scramble to pre-record racist rant in time for Christmas dinner
NATIONWIDE – As COVID restrictions tighten and the uncertainty of family gatherings looms, uncles across Canada are scrambling to pre-record their racist rants for extended families to enjo…