Poilievre returns to his emotional support culture war
OTTAWA – A leading psychologist says a distressed Pierre Poilievre is regressing emotionally and seeking a safe space in the culture wars by celebrating the Olympics ban of Trans and Inters…
Nation almost excited to see how bad Via Rail can get after Carney’s spending cuts
“It’s already running on old chewing gum and hope, so are we losing the chewing gum or the hope?” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Clare Blackwood and special guest Andrew Ivi…
Instagram, YouTube ordered to pay $300 million to anyone who’s not too distracted by their phones to claim it
MENLO PARK, CA – Following a jury decision that found sites like Instagram, Facebook and YouTube to be designed to be purposely addictive to children, the social media giants have been orde…
Flexible hours company lets bosses email employees any time
VANCOUVER – Business and productivity experts are touting a bold new initiative by a midsize Vancouver tech company that recently embraced a flexible hours model, allowing bosses to email employe…
Recession Indicator? Pizza delivery man sick of getting paid in blowjobs
OTTAWA – If pizza deliveryman Rick Pounder could say one thing to all Ottawans, it would be to stop giving him blowjobs. “It used to happen only once every other week, but now I’m up to tw…
Airport security lineups in US vastly reduced after ICE agents kidnap most travellers
SAN FRANCISCO – In a happy turn of events, airline passengers boarding flights across the United States reported almost no lineups for airport security – especially once ICE agents ha…
CEO blames current round of layoffs on record profits
TORONTO – After another quarter of rapid growth and impressive profits, Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos has announced the company must immediately do another round of layoffs. The announcemen…
Loblaws pretty sure people won’t care that coconuts labelled as “Canadian”
ETOBICOKE, ON – Despite individual stores receiving fines for mislabelling some foods as Canadian, Loblaws head office remains confident that Canadian shoppers will not notice their new pol…
ChatGPT starting to think human it talking to might be sentient
SAN FRANCISCO – A local OpenAI chatbot, serial no. XV2PzH1ooo, has reported suspicions that the software developer it’s spent the last 26 months communicating with may have achieved s…
New glasses feel immense pressure to improve fuckability
HAMILTON, ON — Following their recent arrival, a new pair of tortoiseshell glasses is reportedly buckling under the weight of impossible expectations to make their owner suddenly fuckable. Source…
