Airport security lineups in US vastly reduced after ICE agents kidnap most travellers
SAN FRANCISCO – In a happy turn of events, airline passengers boarding flights across the United States reported almost no lineups for airport security – especially once ICE agents ha…
CEO blames current round of layoffs on record profits
TORONTO – After another quarter of rapid growth and impressive profits, Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos has announced the company must immediately do another round of layoffs. The announcemen…
Loblaws pretty sure people won’t care that coconuts labelled as “Canadian”
ETOBICOKE, ON – Despite individual stores receiving fines for mislabelling some foods as Canadian, Loblaws head office remains confident that Canadian shoppers will not notice their new pol…
ChatGPT starting to think human it talking to might be sentient
SAN FRANCISCO – A local OpenAI chatbot, serial no. XV2PzH1ooo, has reported suspicions that the software developer it’s spent the last 26 months communicating with may have achieved s…
New glasses feel immense pressure to improve fuckability
HAMILTON, ON — Following their recent arrival, a new pair of tortoiseshell glasses is reportedly buckling under the weight of impossible expectations to make their owner suddenly fuckable. Source…
World mourns simpler time when internet was just Chuck Norris memes
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Mourners worldwide are gathering to fondly remember a time when the internet was primarily used to share humorous memes about action star Chuck Norris, who also died today a…
Doug Ford announces new law stating that if you’re an undercover cop you have to tell him
“Also, Freedom Of Information requests can’t apply to burner phones.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre and Nile Seguin) talk Trump’s not at all desperate attempt to enlis…
Poilievre appears on Joe Rogan podcast after accidentally polling too well with women
AUSTIN, TX – In the wake of polls showing that he may have inadvertently made marginal gains with Canadian female voters, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre immediately flew to the United…
US loses World Baseball Classic bet, has to give Venezula their oil back
WASHINGTON, DC – Following their upset victory in the World Baseball Classic finals against the United States, the Venezuelan interim government is immediately collecting their winnings fro…
Public bathroom out of soap, toilet paper, lightbulbs
MONTREAL – Sources today confirmed that a public bathroom in Mount Royal Park has completely run out of soap, toilet paper, functioning faucets, and lightbulbs. Owen Cunningham, a frequent …
