TTC introduces new Presto Gold card for elite commuters who demand premium delays
TORONTO – After the success of Presto, their automated payment method, the TTC has unveiled their newest innovation: PrestoGold, a special, invite-only card for public transit’s creme de la…
Strike Watch: WestJet management skeptical pilots have the courage to walk off the job
CALGARY – As the date of the potential pilot strike gets closer, WestJet management wants to assure customers that the striking pilots won’t have the boldness and grit it takes to walk off …
Non-eccentric billionaire swims in pool filled with water
WINNIPEG, MB- Mundane tycoon Nigel Arkridge is taking a dip in an oval-shaped swimming pool filled with water instead of coins or gemstones. “Nigel is a bit of a non-weirdo to be honest.” Said Ar…
Sixth in line to meaningless figurehead role marries fourth lead in middling legal dramedy
WINDSOR, UK – In an elaborate and lavish spectacle watched by millions around the world today, an irrelevant member of an obsolete class system wedded a heretofore little-known cast member of the…
New Jordan Peterson book asserts all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
TORONTO – Former University of Toronto Professor Jordan Peterson, known best for lionizing patriarchal structure, denouncing the existence of white privilege, and refusing to use gender neu…
Friends beginning to suspect Dave’s ironic moustache actually sincere
VANCOUVER – In what has become a developing story, Dave Parson’s friends and family have slowly come to the realization that his self-described ironic moustache may, in fact, be completely sincer…
Local woman aroused by telling people she’s off dairy
MONTREAL – Local woman Sara Cloutier’s decision to spread the word about cutting dairy products from her diet produced an unexpected but pleasurable sensation in her body over the weekend. When r…
Netanyahu: Gaza border protesters were attempting to acquire pebbles of mass destruction
JERUSALEM – Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has announced that he has definitive proof that Gaza protesters were attempting to acquire pebbles of mass destruction, which justified…
Toronto’s hippest ice cream shop features ice cream you eat in bed while crying
TORONTO – The summer’s newest ice cream trend finally allows customers to be their truest selves. Check out Kensington Market’s new ice cream shop, “Dry Your Ice”, featuring ice cream that …
Women assaulted by Patrick Brown not offered book deal
TORONTO – In the wake of Patrick Brown announcing his lucrative book deal to write about the scandal that brought him down, the multiple women who were assaulted by Brown have announced the…
