Carney to replace Steven Guilbeault’s seat with burning tailings pond
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has absorbed the resignation from Parliament by climate activist Steven Guilbeault, immediately announcing that his seat would be replaced with a tar san…
Boomer Dad loses Asian restaurant privileges
BARRIE, ON – After decades of refusal to comply with his family’s requests, local dad, Chris White, 77, has finally lost his Asian restaurant privileges. The decision was finalized after an argum…
Tim Hortons to reduce Temporary Foreign Worker hiring once they figure out how to treat Canadians like serfs
TORONTO – Facing backlash for alleged abuse of the TFW program during record unemployment, coffee chain Tim Hortons has vowed to reduce foreign hiring just as soon as they find a legal mean…
Man claims Canadian first amendment rights infringed when people refuse to listen to his opinion
REGINA – Aspiring social media political influencer Brandon Andreychuk is claiming censorship after his talk at the University of Regina was canceled by what he calls “out of control leftis…
President misses own son’s wedding due to high-level not wanting to go
WASHINGTON D.C. – The President of the United States will be forced to miss the second wedding of his eldest son this weekend, due to a top secret executive branch-level not giving a shit. …
AI tech mogul confused why expendable human capital booing him during commencement address
COLUMBUS, OH – Jack Smarnoff, CEO of tech firm Confinity AI, is reportedly confused as to why the graduating class of Ohio State University are loudly booing his commencement speech, specif…
Soon-to-be grounded Snowbirds promise to make 2026 season their most dog-traumatizing yet
“They’re going to be shaking the whole time we’re gone!” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Nile Seguin and Clare Blackwood) break down the Pentagon abandoning the Joint B…
Kars4Kids scandal shockingly not an Epstein thing
LOS ANGELES, CA – Kars4Kids ads are being pulled from the CBC for reasons that are being described as “mercifully not billionaire pedophile-related”. Following a California cour…
Danielle Smith announces Fall referendum on the concept of referendums
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has announced a Fall referendum on the general notion of referendums, including what they are, what if any questions they could ask, and why Alberta Sepa…
Canada ends agonizing three-year Walter Cup drought
MONTREAL — The Montreal Victoire have won the PWHL’s Walter Cup, ending an excruciating three-year period where the championship resided south of the border. “I’m honoured to have helped bring a …
