Catholic Church assures billionaires that none of their Notre Dame donations will go to poor
VATICAN CITY — Speaking to the handful of billionaires, CEO’s, and corporations that had immediately donated billions of dollars to rebuild the burned Notre Dame Cathedral, Pope Francis ass…
Local family disappointed as Elijah flakes on Passover dinner yet again
MONTREAL – The mood at the Ginsberg household was reportedly low last night after receiving news that the Prophet Elijah had once again bailed on their Passover Seder. “I mean, we always le…
Rudy Giuliani does interview with pringle cans stuck on both hands
NEW YORK CITY – Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City and key member of Trump’s legal team, conducted a 30 minute interview with Chris Cuomo on CNN with Sour Cream and Onion Pringle …
REPORT: Glen honestly believes large pizza will last him two meals
EDMONTON — According to a new report, Glen sincerely believes the large pizza he ordered will be enough for both tonight’s dinner and tomorrow’s lunch. Friends and family are skeptical. “It…
National Enquirer sold to secret weight gain murderer!
The National Enquirer and two other publications, the Globe and the National Examiner, have been sold! According to our bombshell investigation, the buyer may have committed murder! And recently …
Endangered animals sick of humans breathlessly watching them mate
CALGARY – Animals on the endangered species list the world over are sick and tired of humanity’s obsession with watching their mating habits and they’re not keeping silent about it anymore.…
Breaking: Pope on balcony just to hack a dart
VATICAN CITY – Gathering in the thousands to hear him speak, parishioners were disappointed this Good Friday when Pope Francis came out on to the papal balcony just to open up a pack of Bel…
BREAKING: Guy you didn’t realize you invited to your birthday party is here thirty minutes early
MONTREAL, QC — As of 8:38 pm, it is being reported that Dan Schlensky has arrived at Cynthia Dante’s birthday party thirty minutes earlier than the Facebook invite initially had stated. Mak…
Efficiency: $200 million cut to Ontario public health units to streamline smaller, separate measles outbreaks into one big measles outbreak
TORONTO – Ontario’s Health and Long Term Care Minister Christine Elliott says that she’s making cuts to local health agencies to correct the inefficiencies in the spread of measles as well …
Redacted Mueller Report reads: “████ Trump ████ ███ not ██ ████ ██ guilty ████”
WASHINGTON, DC — After refusing to release the full Mueller Report for several weeks, Attorney General William Barr has cleared the report for public consumption, which states, “██████████ …
