3 reasons I WASN’T “owned” when Johnny Cage splits-punched me in the genitals

BY GORO, PRINCE OF SHOKAN By now I’m sure you’ve seen the video, and had a good laugh about how my confrontation with liberal celebrity Johnny Cage at the Mortal Kombat tournament ended with him …

“Do whatever you want”: Local mom “doesn’t care”

Your House – Sources in your household are reporting this morning that “you can do whatever you want”, because your mom “doesn’t even care anymore.” The development comes after your 3am ret…

Jordan Peterson refuses to call film “IT”, says clown is clearly a “HIM”

TORONTO – Controversial U of T psychology professor Jordan Peterson once again ignited a public furor last night, refusing to refer to a popular Stephen King-based horror film by the gender-neutr…

City of Edmonton offers to pay for Flames’ new arena in exchange for naming rights to ‘Eat Shit Calgary’ Place

EDMONTON – After more than two years of failed negotiations between the city of Calgary and the Calgary Sport and Entertainment Corporation (CSEC) over funding of a new arena for the Calgary Flam…

Guide To: Hamilton

  Thinking of visiting the city that has more nicknames than residents?…

TTC Promises ‘Transit System of the Year’ decals will be on buses by 2023

TORONTO — The TTC has committed to have decals commemorating its 2017 ‘Transit System of the Year’ award displayed on vehicles no later than 2023. “We’re in close consultation with our supp…

Justin Trudeau UN speech hailed as ‘not Donald Trump’s UN speech’

NEW YORK CITY – Justin Trudeau once again shone on the international stage this afternoon after giving a speech to the UN General Assembly that critics and supporters agree was not Donald T…

Local man frozen in time after accidentally sexting mom

WELLINGTON, ON – After pressing send and immediately seizing in shock, local landscaper, Richard Blendell, 31, was found last Tuesday in his apartment, suspended in time and space having ac…

Report: Probably still time to run for leader of the NDP if you get paperwork in

OTTAWA — While voting has begun as of September 18, political strategists report that they’re pretty sure there is still time for you to run for leader of the NDP if you complete and hand in the …

Time for Hillary Clinton to move on, but not so much that I can’t project my impotent rage onto her

By Herbert Finderman With the release of her new book, What Happened, Hillary Clinton has shown once again that she is unwilling to do what Americans have wanted her to do for years: get out of p…