Trump to allies: “Which of you fucking losers wants to secure the Strait of Hormuz?”
WASHINGTON D.C. – With the Strait of Hormuz shut down by Iranian forces following the U.S.-Israel-led invasion, President Donald Trump has publicly invited his “pathetic baby NATO all…
Tim Hortons issues recall after bagels made without burnt edges
CANADA – Tim Hortons issued a recall today for dozens of their toasted bagels that were sold without their signature burnt edges. The Canadian Food Inspection Agency has classified the affe…
AI job losses free up time for unemployed mobs to burn down tech CEO‘s houses
PALO ALTO, CA – With Silicon Valley boasting that artificial intelligence could replace millions of jobs around the world, currently laid-off workers have reported having more free time to …
Doug Ford launches transparent effort to end transparency
QUEEN’S PARK – Pitching itself as “one of the most transparent governments in the history of Ontario,” the Ford government has announced that it will radically curtail transparency. T…
Carney eyes Bloc MP to complete his collection
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney was spotted in the halls of Parliament checking out passing Bloc Quebecois MP Patrick Bonin as the missing piece to complete his collection of MPs from m…
Live Nation restricts ticket buying and selling exclusively to bots
NEW YORK – Following Live Nation’s settlement in an antitrust case over unfair ticket prices, the multinational entertainment company has announced that ticket buying and selling will…
Ben Mulroney warns his audience about a rise in car theft by playing a clip from Grand Theft Auto
“We have amazing footage in from a town called San Andreas.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Clare Blackwood and Megan MacKay) talk about Trump discovering that some wars last long…
Every candidate in NDP leadership race comes in third
Winnipeg, MB – The results are in: All five candidates running to be the next leader of the NDP have finished in third place. “Obviously, this isn’t the result I was hoping for,” said candidate …
New Oscar category for “Best Cast” won by Bobby, who tried to climb the tube slide
Lunenburg, NS- In advance of the 2026 Oscars, the first-ever Academy Award for Best Cast has been won by Lunenburg Elementary second grader Bobby Smithers, earned after falling from the school’s …
Americans demand to know who they have to bomb to lower gas prices
HOUSTON, TX – American consumers shocked by sharply rising gas prices demonstrated their keen understanding of global geopolitics by demanding that the Department of War bomb some foreign c…
