Pete Hegseth carefully weighing whether livestreamed execution will be sponsored by FanDuel or Nashville Fried Chicken Doritos
WASHINGTON D.C. – Addressing the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth carefully laid out a variety of options for which brand would sponsor his upcoming livestreamed public …
Charming 1980s playground has body count higher than Dahmer
EDMONTON — Local historians say a quaint suburban playground from the early 1980s is responsible for more deaths than infamous American serial killer and cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer. The un-named pla…
Furious Trump rails against Canadian Anne Carson winning Nobel Prize in Literature
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the announcement of Canadian poet Anne Carson as this year’s Nobel Prize in Literature recipient, President Donald Trump unleashed an online tirade insisti…
Desperate Brad Bradford adds another Brad to his name
TORONTO – Election day in Toronto is fast approaching, and polls continue to show Mayor Olivia Chow with a lead over challenger Brad Bradford. So, in a desperate effort to court the bland, middle…
Polymarket offering bets on next produce that gives everyone diarrhea
NEW YORK – With a recall issued for Taylor Farms lettuce in the wake of a cyclospora outbreak, several new betting lines have opened up in the online predictions market Polymarket as to whi…
Parti Québécois finally finds minority it likes
QUEBEC CITY – Quebec Premier-designate Paul St-Pierre Plamondon says he’ll be updating his list of problem minorities after networks declared The Parti Québécois will form government with t…
Trump admin demands Canada not meddle in midterms so they can meddle in separatist referendums
WASHINGTON D.C. – Trump Administration trade advisor Peter Navarro is accusing Canada of interfering in the upcoming U.S. midterm elections, unfairly distracting from American efforts to in…
Poilievre team divided over when to drop Mark Carney diss track
OTTAWA — Pierre Poilievre’s inner circle is at loggerheads over when to release his diss track targeting Prime Minister Mark Carney. Titled “Miss the Mark,” Poilievre said that the track, while p…
Trump administration eagerly looking for third trade route to completely fuck up
Panama Canal, NY – The Trump administration has begun a international search for another large trade route to completely fuck up after successfully fucking up both the strait of Hormuz and …
Rogers completes takeover of everything son talks to local dad about
TORONTO – Rogers Communications has announced that with the purchase of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment and all its professional sports teams, the telecom giant has also taken full ownership …
