New Brunswick opens Stargate at border for quicker access to PEI
Edmunston, NB – New Brunswick Premier Susan Holt says newly discovered alien teleportation technology is ending the province’s reputation as a place to just drive through on the way to othe…
Poilievre campaigns on a united Canada: “Please don’t make me find yet another riding”
CALGARY – Speaking to a crowd of supporters, Pierre Poilievre urged Albertans to vote to stay part of Canada, partly for national unity, and mostly because he doesn’t want to have to …
Quebec language laws now require all 2026 hurricanes to be named “Jean-Pierre”
QUEBEC – A new language law will require Quebecois meteorologists to stop using the annual list of Atlantic hurricane names generated by the US National Hurricane Center, and instead refer …
Carney assures Canadians that AI the fastest way to give all our money to US billionaires
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark has unveiled his new federal AI strategy, promising Canadians that artificial intelligence technology is the most advanced, efficient way to surrender all of ou…
Everything Canadian that Albertans will be able to keep after separating, according to Alberta Separatists
Albertan separatists insist that leaving Canada won’t exclude them from keeping some residual benefits of being Canadian. Here is the list they propose: 1. passports 2. currency 3. smugness…
FIFA forbids Canadian fans from bringing water inside own bodies into World Cup matches
TORONTO – A last minute rule change by FIFA means World Cup fans will no longer be able to bring the moisture inside their own bodies into host stadiums for the tournament. The latest FIFA …
Huge dock spider already looking forward to scurrying over your hand this summer
MUSKOKA, ON – A full-grown dock spider is counting the days until it gets to scurry across your unsuspecting hand, later this summer. Zoology experts report that you will likely emit a pier…
Nation’s sports franchises mark Pride Month with the annual closing of the comment section
TORONTO – In what has become an annual tradition in community outreach, sports teams across Canada are marking June as Pride Month by adding rainbow logos to their profile pictures, releasi…
Netflix says CanCon rules will force them to raise prices that they already raised and plan to raise more
SILICON VALLEY, CA – Streaming giant Netflix has fired back at a CRTC report recommending they increase their contributions to Canadian media, insisting this would force them to raise price…
Loud racism narrowly defeats quiet racism in B.C. Conservative leadership race
CAMPBELL RIVER, B.C. – Overt racist speech has narrowly won out over the more traditional dogwhistle racist messaging this past Sunday, with “Loud Racism” officially becoming th…
