Best Eclipse Ever! The sun hasn’t been seen for 27 hours

WORLDWIDE – Y’all, the party of the decade, century, and millennium is still going strong as the total solar eclipse enters its 28th hour. Temperatures have fallen by about 10 degrees, but …

Calgary airport tows away passenger in wheelchair for waiting in Lexus-only boarding area

CALGARY – The Calgary Airport Authority has towed away an 87-year-old passenger in a wheelchair for placing himself in the Lexus owners-only boarding area while waiting for a flight to Toro…

Spanx releases new shapewear to smooth out unsightly face fat

ATLANTA – In a press conference earlier today, pioneering shapewear company Spanx unveiled a new shapewear product designed to tone and tighten facial fat for a smoother, more put-together look. …

BREAKING: 23 mall-goers hospitalized after succumbing to Cinnabon fumes

TORONTO – Emergency crews rushed to the Dufferin Mall earlier today in response to reports that nearly two dozen mall patrons had succumbed to fumes emitted by the shopping centre’s Cinnabo…

EXCLUSIVE: Donald Trump’s 13 deleted eclipse tweets

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Donald Trump once again ignored the desires of his staff today, taking to social media to unleash a tweet-storm during today’s total eclipse. While the tweets ha…

Typical: Millennials just want to stare at the eclipsed sun without putting in the hard work of worshipping it

By Harvey Prun of the Third House of the Sunseekers I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said before when I point out that Millennials expect everything to just be given to them from jobs to …

Rational Alex Jones shows how the Bilderbergs and Illuminati control everything

  Alec Jonas is back with another episode of BeaverWars.…

If only Jerry Lewis had died 20 years ago we’d have a lot of good things to say about him

By: Henry Clarkson This morning we learned of the death of legendary comedian Jerry Lewis and I think I speak for the entire world when I say that if this was 1997, I would have been really bumme…

Man losing valiant struggle against burrito

CALGARY – Fighting the urge to just give up and walk away in shame, a local man is currently in the midst of a heroic – but losing – battle to finish the rest of his burrito. At…

Rejected Headlines: Episode 109, Ian MacIntyre

Rejected Headlines is a podcast that interviews writers for The Beaverton about the worst stories and jokes they have ever pitched to the writers’ room. Ranging from the merely dumb to the morall…