Dow Jones closes down 11 points as Apocalypse destroys all life on Earth
NEW YORK- The complete eradication of sentient life on our planet spurned the end of history, the death of time, and a permanent all-consuming blackness, as markets reacted negatively, shedding e…
Carney: “I love being PM, except for the brief time I have to spend in Canada”
OTTAWA – Reflecting on being PM for over a year, Mark Carney told reporters that he loves every aspect of the job, except for “the short amount of time I have to spend in Canada every…
Local woman totally not jealous of woman who got to leave Earth
LONGUEUIL, QC – A local woman is totally not jealous of Christina Koch, the NASA astronaut who now holds the record for being the woman farthest away from Earth. Katherine Walker, 36, announced h…
AI commercial produced on budget of just 3 lakes
LOS ANGELES, CA — The advertising industry is abuzz after reports that a recent AI-made television commercial was produced on a budget of only three pristine Tennessee lakes. This marks a signifi…
Air Canada promises next CEO will gouge customers in both English and French
MONTREAL – With CEO Michael Rousseau stepping down following a widely-derided public statement made only in English, Air Canada has vowed that their next CEO will mercilessly overcharge tra…
Grieving woman trauma dumps to therapist who just wanted to catch up
BetterHelp, ON – Dr. Shelley Roberts was shocked when her therapy client started talking about intimate details of her life when all she wanted was a light catch up. “I just didn’t think i…
Report: Late friend late again
WINNIPEG – Sources have confirmed that despite numerous reminders, texts, and assurances that she would be on time, local late friend Farra Vawn is, once again, late. “It’s no big deal, we knew s…
Editorial: Here’s why Avi Lewis is the wrong choice to lead the NDP – by a centrist Liberal
By Martin Kearns, man who has never voted NDP once in his life This weekend the NDP chose Avi Lewis as their leader. And as much as it pains me, a Liberal commentator who loves Mark Carney and wo…
House Democrats ask if Canada could step in to fight authoritarianism for them
WASHINGTON D.C. – As the Trump administration consolidates its anti-democratic control over America, Congressional and Senate Democrats have united to ask the nation of Canada if they could…
