Vancouver Scientology speedrunning event attacked by sprinting Tom Cruise
VANCOUVER – Explosions rocked Vancouver’s downtown core Saturday afternoon as dozens of TikTokers forced their way into the Church of Scientology, only to be repelled by the force of actor …
Sundin: “Don’t worry, I’m used to propping up inept teammates in Toronto”
TORONTO – As the Maple Leafs unveil franchise great Mats Sundin as Senior Executive Advisor and Wendy’s franchisee John Chayka as GM, Sundin is assuring fans that he is used to succee…
Alberta separatists separate Albertans from their privacy
EDMONTON — The Centurion Project, an Alberta separatist organization, has been accused of illegally accessing the personal information of nearly three million voters, in a patriotic display of se…
Privatized airports means Canadians will pay less flying Air Canada out of Rogers Airport sponsored by Draft Kings
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Carney has announced a plan to sell off Canadian airports, thus generating revenue for his new sovereign wealth fund, and assures Canadians they will surely pay less…
Rogers puts statues of Ted Rogers in front of nation’s unemployment offices
“This can’t be good.” Luke and the Panel (Megan MacKay and Nile Seguin) try to understand how a Sovereign Wealth Fund works in a country with a massive deficit, discuss the fall…
Sweating Doug Ford announces plan to fill Lake Ontario with beer
QUEEN’S PARK — After a poll announced yesterday that Doug Ford’s Conservative government was trailing behind the Liberals for the first time in almost a decade, a visibly sweating Ford held a pre…
BREAKING: This nepo baby sure hates it when you call them a nepo baby
Los Angeles, CA – Recent interviews with famous people who have benefitted from their familiar relations have gone sour as interviewers correctly described them as nepo babies. “I am not a …
Rogers buys naming rights to Bell Canada
TORONTO – In the latest in a string of branding acquisitions, telecom giant Rogers has secured all naming rights over Bell Canada. “When I think of Bell Canada, I think of a heartless, megalithic…
Canada uses new sovereign wealth fund to buy Saudi Arabian soccer team
OTTAWA — Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced that the first use of Canada’s new sovereign wealth fund will be to purchase a Saudi Arabian soccer team and festoon it with Canadian branding. “…
“I’m tired of these goddamn tourists” says man whose financial existence depends on them
LUNENBURG, NS – Local resident and business owner Tyson MacNeil expressed his deep disdain for tourists this past Sunday, despite living a life that is only financially possible due to tour…
