Blue Jays, Maple Leafs eliminated from playoffs
TORONTO — With the 2026 MLB season nearly over and the 2026-27 NHL season about to begin, the Toronto Blue Jays and Toronto Maple Leafs have been eliminated from playoff contention. “It’s sad to …
Meta unsure why women not buying pervert glasses
MENLO PARK, CA — As Meta’s totally cool, definitely-not-creepy smart glasses become more popular with tech bros and straight-up pervs, the tech company is reportedly baffled as to why their glass…
Kerry-Lynne Findlay resigns to spend more time expelling family members
VICTORIA – B.C. Conservative Party leader Kerry-Lynne Findlay has resigned in order to spend more time kicking members of her family out of the house. “I have been honoured to be the …
Trump vows to punish Canada for EU alliance as soon as he finishes losing Iran war
WASHINGTON D.C. – President Donald J. Trump has pledged to extract terrible, systematic revenge on all of Canada for daring to enter talks with the European Union, just as soon as he finish…
Trump reduces White House Press Corps to Stephen Miller in a moustache, various podcasters
WASHINGTON D.C. – After banning press outlets including CNN, MS Now, and Politico, President Donald Trump has removed numerous other journalists, leaving only those he trusts to portray him…
Carney government promises upcoming “Operation Strike Destroyer” legislation won’t discourage future strikes
OTTAWA — After multiple labour sources warned that the Federal government would likely be issuing binding mediation legislation as early as next week, Mark Carney personally assured Canadians tha…
Trump says Canada having more friends is bullying
WASHINGTON, D.C. – United States President Donald Trump has blasted Canada’s recent proposed alliance up to the European Union, insisting the new partnership is tantamount to picking on him…
Ed Sheeran welcomes new opening act: Beatboxing Netanyahu
LONDON — At a press conference today, singer Ed Sheeran announced that, despite all of his previously scheduled opening acts quitting over his firing Macklemore, his tour will continue as schedul…
EU asks Canada to join in hopes they take some stuff Britain left at their office
BRUSSELS – A recent statement by the European Union has clarified that the bloc’s main interest in Canada becoming an Associate Member is to get them to take away some of the junk the Unite…
Habs fans forced to replace burning effigy of Chris Kreider with regular effigy
Montreal, QC – In a surprising show of good faith, Montreal Canadiens fans removed their long-standing burning effigy of NHL forward Chris Kreider after it was announced that he would be joining …
