John Tory stunned to learn he can’t send butler to vote for him
TORONTO — As Torontonians head to the polls, Mayor John Tory is reportedly shocked that he cannot send his butler, Reginald Percy Shillingsworth, to cast his ballot for him. “What? You expe…
Heroic purse adorned with hand sanitizer keychain becomes humanity’s final hope against contagious epidemic
EDMONTON – In an alarming new report from the Public Health Agency of Canada, one handbag embellished with several hand sanitizer keychains has become the nation’s only hope against an impe…
Truck nuts lovingly placed into winter storage
FORT MCMURRAY, AB – Protecting his prized possession from the harsh elements, local man Terrence McGillivery, has lovingly placed his chrome truck nuts, which he displays on the hitch of hi…
Woman who subscribes to 4 podcasts about child murder described as ‘happy-go-lucky’
CALGARY — Local woman Katie Johnston, who listens to approximately 3-5 longform stories each week involving grizzly deaths and/or serious crimes against innocent, usually helpless people, is cons…
Final Vancouver election polls show dead heat between ‘Wait, there’s an election?’ and ‘Oh, that explains the yard signs’
VANCOUVER – The race to replace retiring Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson ends today and polls show it’s a toss up between people who don’t know there’s an election and people who’ve just l…
Top 5 Leonard Cohen diss tracks
Leonard Cohen: artist, poet, man who has a lot of beefs. With a posthumous poem released this week in which Cohen writes, “Kanye West is not Picasso”, many fans were shocked by Cohen’s saltiness.…
Vancouver School Board worried that learning will get in the way of film productions
VANCOUVER – The Vancouver School Board has expressed concerns regarding the safety and productivity of film crews and the negative effects the returning student body will have on them this …
Abortion compromise: Republican feminists fight for right to arm vaginas
WASHINGTON, D.C – Maintaining their pro-life, pro-gun stance, a Republican feminist initiative, is fighting to protect women’s rights by allowing them to arm their vaginas. The “Women’s Rig…
9 cultures you could probably still get away with appropriating this Halloween
While Halloween has always been associated with spooks, candies and adorable children, for many people the best part of Halloween has always been dressing up as stereotypical, ignorant depictions…
New condo development just tiny room where foreign investors can store their money
VANCOUVER — Seeking to maximize space and respond to consumer demand, a new condominium development in downtown Vancouver will consist solely of a room where foreign investors can store the…
