NHL claims Tom Wilson was only providing first aid by applying ice surface to opposing players’ head injuries
NEW YORK – The NHL took no further disciplinary action against Washington Capitals player Tom Wilson after claiming the enforcer was merely attempting to apply ice to his opponents’ head in…
Houseplant overwhelmed by task of brightening bachelor apartment
HAMILTON – A lone succulent is said to be overwhelmed with the task of brightening 28-year-old Gavin Isaac’s bachelor apartment. The nine-dollar plant was purchased yesterday from the…
Proud Boys Canada breaks up so members can pursue white supremacy solo projects
OTTAWA — Tragic! Fans of the far-right neo-fascist group the Proud Boys Canada were deeply saddened to learn this week that the self-styled defenders of Western chauvinism are breaking-up citing …
Conservatives starting to wonder if it’s a mistake to always choose the least likeable person on earth as leader
OTTAWA – Staring down the possibility of their third straight electoral defeat, members of the Conservative Party of Canada are beginning to entertain the notion that it may not be the wise…
Jason Kenney’s new restrictions include his sternest frowning yet
EDMONTON – Jason Kenney frowned directly into the camera for several minutes before announcing a new set of restrictions to combat Alberta’s soaring COVID rates. “Okay, you guys, this one’s for …
Ford recommends lying in order to get vaccine faster
TORONTO – During a recent press conference Premier Doug Ford recommended lying about your personal information in order to get the COVID vaccine faster. “After speaking with my experts, we …
“Who are we to say whether you should get the AstraZeneca vaccine or not?” says National Advisory Committee on Immunization
OTTAWA – The National Advisory Committee on Immunization has been accused of causing confusion by telling Canadians they “should do whatever feels right to them” with respect to…
Ontario LTC Minister Fullerton in isolation after brief exposure to accountability
TORONTO – Ontario’s Minister of Long Term Care Merrilee Fullerton was rushed out of a media scrum after being briefly exposed to accountability yesterday. The minister will spend the next 1…
US to trick vaccine hesitant individuals into taking vaccine by wrapping it in peanut butter
ATLANTA – In an effort to counter the high numbers of vaccine skeptics in the nation, the CDC has recently announced that they will be hiding doses in peanut butter. “We’ve kind of abandoned any …
People of Alberta forced to launch their own war room lobbying for COVID response
CALGARY – The people of Alberta have announced their own war room which hopes to get the provincial government to take COVID-19 seriously. The new lobby organization, the Alberta People Cen…
