TORONTO – After many months of growing his hair out, Toronto mayor John Tory has finally gotten his hair trimmed after painstaking measures to ensure that the newly shorn locks will not be …
Toronto
John Tory defends ruthlessly evicting Unhoused people from parks: “Toronto belongs to the rich”
TORONTO – Under fire for sending in hundreds of armed police and private security to evict 25 unhoused people from an encampment in Trinity Bellwoods Park, mayor John Tory defended his acti…
Police on horse ready to stop train robbery
TORONTO – Toronto Police have reported that their horseback division is essential for stopping any and all train robberies. “When I’m on my noble steed, Paul Gross’ Passchendaele – Pa…
Toronto Police leave homeless encampment in peace after residents say they’re just a 24 hour anti-mask protest
TORONTO – After weeks of clearing unhoused individuals from Toronto parks in the middle of a Pandemic, Toronto Police finally left the residents outside Lamport Stadium alone after they sai…
Report: Casa Loma just some rich guy’s house
TORONTO – After decades of research, local historian Dr. Suraj Burnman has conclusively reported that Casa Loma is just some rich guy’s house. “The way people from Toronto talk about it, yo…
Anti-mask rally participants contract strange, airborne disease
TORONTO – Rally participants in an anti-lockdown protest in Toronto on Saturday reported they had become ill with some kind of strange, flu-like virus. “I thought at first I couldn’t breath…
Toronto roommates stuck together for another lockdown decide to finally kill Trevor
TORONTO – Local roommates Deborah Maine, Josh Goodman, and Keith Smith have decided to get around to killing their fourth roommate Trevor Lewin after learning they are all stuck with him fo…
Subway station playing classical music plagued by loitering elderlies
TORONTO – As a means to deter young loiterers, TTC officials have begun playing a classical music compilation over the Dundas subway station intercom, which in turn has attracted groups of …
Torontonian engages in beloved Toronto pastime of threatening to leave Toronto
TORONTO – Torontonian and lesser media personality Jon Stills sparked a lively online conversation last Thursday after a Twitter thread continued the longstanding and beloved Toronto pastim…
West Toronto getting close to 2025 goal of 1 cannabis dispensary per household
TORONTO – Mayor John Tory has announced that West Toronto is on track to meet its 2025 goal of 1 cannabis dispensary per household. Following legalization in 2018 Ontario found itself last …