VANCOUVER – It was last Saturday, a brisk afternoon on Main Street, just North of 5th Avenue. I was the person walking their wiener dog. You were the public urinator.
When I saw you there, hunched into the corner of a nearby building, I let out a small shriek. You spun around, besprinkling hundreds of droplets through the air, decorating the surrounding flora with drops of dew like a cool spring morning. A gentle breeze caressed my cheek, as if Mother Nature herself knew something magical was about to happen.
You met my gaze. You had eyes like I’ve never seen before; impassioned and fierce, yet kind. In that moment an intimacy like no other was forged between us, the kind of intimacy that can only be fostered between two people making direct eye contact while one of them carries out a bodily function. It was electric.
My dog lifted his tiny leg to pee, in what I can only assume was an act of camaraderie. You nodded slowly and said, “Game recognizes game.” The voice of an angel graced my ears. I just knew my future partner would be an animal lover.
The crowd grew as you continued peeing. You must’ve been actively urinating for 3 solid minutes, or perhaps time stood still when our souls collided. Hard to say. People gathered, perhaps drawn in by spectacle or perhaps by the gravity of our connection.
I breathlessly scratched my number down and placed it in your free hand, but you dropped it when you were placed under citizen’s arrest by that middle-aged mom. You fell so gracefully when she tackled you, it reminded me of when I fell for you, but mere moments ago. Funny, it feels like a lifetime.
You never know when your life will change forever. One minute you’re walking your dog en route to the local bagelry, the next your mind is flooded with dreams of testing decadent wedding cakes, raising adorable children, and contesting public urination fines in local court.
Please respond to this ad, I can’t stop imagining what might’ve been. Also if you haven’t eaten a beet in the last 24 hours please see a doctor. I love you.