WASHINGTON D.C. – United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has declared that women who don’t shave their armpits cause autism.
“Finally, after years of hard work saying whatever the fuck we want, we have found the origin of autism,” said Kennedy in a press conference, wearing a necktie decorated with images of trains. “It’s not acetaminophen, because Trump can’t say that word. It’s not circumcision, because in my America nothing can be blamed on a penis. Therefore, the only reasonable conclusion is that autism originates in unshaven women’s – sorry, females’ – armpits.”
He then explained the mechanism of “autistication”, as the CDC website now refers to it. “Autism was discovered in 1997 in the offspring of attendees of Lilith Fair. Their babies got autism, and then anyone who looked at those babies got autism, and then anyone who thought about those people also got autism.”
Asked to clarify the link between women’s natural underarms and potentially neurodivergent children, Kennedy said, “Oh no. They don’t even have to be the one that’s pregnant. Though obviously all females should be pregnant. All the time. Even the ugly ones. So if you don’t shave, or you’re not pregnant, you’re responsible for autism.”
“Trust me. I asked Grok. Which is what I named the worm that lives in my brain.”
Kennedy went on to describe various other ailments he claims “females” are responsible for, including glaucoma (unshaven legs), peanut allergies (short hair), and the Russia-Ukraine war (lesbianism).
“I once saw a woman vote Democrat and now my voice sounds like this,” Kennedy rasped.
In addition to shaving their underarms, Sec. Kennedy advises women undertake a variety of activities in order to perpetuate the image of mental wellness, including working out in jeans, dumping dead animals in the middle of public parks, and hanging out with Kid Rock.
At press time, Kennedy was blaming ADHD on women who know their ABCD’s.
