OTTAWA – The federal government announced plans this week to upgrade their dated military by hiring the most powerful weapon they can think of: an eight-year-old with a water gun. “For years, our dedi...
Scott Moe: If Saskatchewan children wanted rights, they should’ve voted for someone else
REGINA – As part of his larger effort to teach all children (but especially trans children) that his government does not consider them human, Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe has promised to use t...
Single-serve coffee maker produces exactly the right amount for ⅙ of a person
LONDON, ON ― 22-year-old Dorian Bishop, a fourth-year medical student at Western University, reports that the single-serve coffee maker he recently purchased is falling far short of expectations. “My ...
Opinion: Why do we need a cure for diabetes when I don’t have it?
Brandon, Manitoba – Millions of Canadians live with diabetes, and the Government of Canada has spent billions on diabetes research and treatment. But here’s what I don’t understand: Why do we need a c...
Moderna promises new vaccine will increase the likelihood of pointless debate
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Pharmaceutical company Moderna has released a statement guaranteeing their new COVID vaccine will both decrease people’s chances of contracting the virus while boosting the likel...
Local pizzeria updates website from 1997 to website from 2005
CALGARY – Sources report that the Royal Pizzeria in Northwest Calgary has redesigned its website to only be 18 years behind modern design trends instead of a full 26 years out of date. “Wow, that’s a ...
Writers Guild members celebrate deal by coming up with excuses to do writing later
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Following a months-long strike that saw the Writers Guild of America negotiating with Hollywood producers for fair wages and protections against AI writing programs, members are ...
House of Commons speaker relieved Japanese veteran who fought against China couldn’t make it
OTTAWA – House of Commons speaker Anthony Rota has expressed his relief that the Japanese veteran, whom he was intending to honour for fighting against China, was unable to appear. “Wow, really ...
EDITORIAL: Why I’m not letting my kids use social media except the YouTube channel they star in that pays our mortgage
By Ashley Drin Today’s children are under more scrutiny than ever, thanks to the toxic forces of social media. The endless, crushing pressure to expose their most vulnerable moments, private thoughts,...
Greenbelt developers invite Ford to 4am “No Hard Feelings!” party at the docks
QUEEN’S PARK – Following the surprise announcement that he will return all recently released lands back to the Greenbelt, Premier Doug Ford announced that the developers who purchased the ...
