TOKYO – CBC reporters are rushing to familiarise themselves with the Cameroonian Olympic team after the broadcaster accidentally acquired the country’s rights. “And there’s Hortence Atangana, the…
Alberta punishes frontline workers with free Stampede tickets
CALGARY – Alberta’s doctors, restaurant employees, and other frontline workers will receive free Stampede tickets this year, punishing them for their crucial role in combating COVID. “First the g…
“Sorry I can’t come, there’s a blimp attack,” says woman who’s forgotten how to avoid social obligations
EDMONTON – After agreeing to attend a social event for the first time in over a year, Katie Flynn is trying to get out of the commitment but has completely forgotten how to make a credible excuse…
Experts advise house hunting millennials to stop buying lattes and start forming exploitative development groups
TORONTO – After Core Development Group announced plans to buy a billion dollars worth of Canadian homes and convert them into rental units, financial advisers are telling millennials in the housi…
Fully vaccinated grandparents descend on nation’s strip clubs
OTTAWA – As elderly Canadians receive their second COVID vaccine before younger citizens, hordes of thirsty seniors are flooding into the nation’s strip clubs. “I spent quarantine worrying I’d ha…
Totally normal doctor recommends getting vaccinated in arm not used for masturbating
EDMONTON – Because the COVID vaccine generally causes soreness in the arm it’s injected into, Dr. Alex Hall has been advising Canadians to get it in their non-masturbation arm. “Many Canadians ar…
Man too embarrassed to finally ask what COVID is
SASKATOON – 33-year-old Jackson Shepherd still doesn’t know what COVID is and is now way too embarrassed to ask about it. “When I got back from a camping trip last year everyone was talking about…
Friends reunion mostly cast discussing how Frasier was better
LOS ANGELES, CA – The cast and crew of the highly anticipated Friends reunion special have admitted that the episode is primarily devoted to them talking about how Frasier was the vastly superior…
Anti-lockdown protestors compare Canada to the Nineteen Eighty-Four Wikipedia page
WINNIPEG – As anti-lockdown rallies continue in COVID hotspots across the country, several protestors compared the public health measures to the totalitarian ideology summarised on the Wikipedia …