EDMONTON – According to sources in Stacey Greene’s two-bedroom apartment, her roommate’s latest attempt at sex is not going well. “Taylor and their date disappeared into their room about 20 minu…
Buffoonery anticipated as man laden with food and drink attempts to enter hammock
CALGARY – Local bumbler Kevin Hurst is planning to enter his hammock with a variety of easily spilled snacks and beverages, prompting onlookers and analysts to anticipate a series of zany hijinks…
Climate crisis: Popsicle consumption no longer looks erotic
OTTAWA – As temperatures rise across Canada, reports are rolling in that the searing heat has eliminated the titillation watching someone eat a popsicle used to provide. “My partner used to slowl…
Invasive spoon found in bedroom
CALGARY – According to reports from the Whittaker household, a spoon has been found on a bedroom nightstand despite the utensil’s natural kitchen habitat being well over a dozen steps away. “Whil…
Juraj Slafkovský excited to play in front of Montreal’s famously patient and understanding fans
MONTREAL – After being selected first overall in the 2022 NHL draft, 18-year-old Slovakian left winger Juraj Slafkovský is thrilled by the opportunity to play for Montreal’s serene hockey …
“I’m actually a mixologist,” says bartender about to charge you $27.50 for a gin and tonic
CALGARY – A bartender at a cocktail joint called the Top Hat is about to charge you an exorbitant sum for a two-ingredient drink, according to tipsy sources who are feeling ripped off. “So this …
Freedom Convoy just wants the freedom to murder judges
OTTAWA – One of the judges who presided over the court hearings of the Freedom Convoy organisers is facing threats from the Convoy’s supporters, who insist that they just want to exercise their G…
Bringing back a classic: this year’s summer bop is Handel’s Messiah
TORONTO – As millions of Canadians go about their summer, the strains of George Frideric Handel’s Messiah are providing a backdrop to countless barbeques, pool parties, and weekends at the cabin.…
Pervert time traveller reports that your grandpa was hung
OTTAWA – A time traveller from the 25th century has reported that your grandfather packed some serious equipment and knew just how to use it. “I’m sure you only thought of your grandpa as a dodde…