EDMONTON – Following incoming President Joe Biden’s decision to scrap approvals for the Keystone XL pipeline, Alberta Premier Jason Kenney called Biden to personally thank him for “basicall…
Report: Trump still trying to get Biden to touch ‘Freaky Friday’ amulet
WASHINGTON D.C. – As Joe Biden is officially sworn in as the 46th president of the United States, insiders report that former president Trump is currently hiding in the White House hoping t…
Ford exempts large US retailers from lockdown, but encourages Ontarians to “blame locally”
QUEEN’S PARK – While refusing to consider paid sick leave or lockdown restrictions on US retailers like WalMart and Costco to COVID, Ontario Premier Doug Ford encouraged Ontarians to contin…
Trump spends weekend just fucking unloading on Tumblr
WASHINGTON D.C. – After getting himself permanently banned from social media sites including Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, President Donald J. Trump reportedly spent the entire weekend …
Sony pulls broken, glitching Cyberpunk 2077 game, rebrands it as Cyberpunk 2020
SAN MATEO, CA – Following reports that its newly-released Cyberpunk 2077 game has been riddled with release problems and frustrating glitches, Sony has pulled the game from its online store…
Canada extends U.S. border closure to totally arbitrary date of January 21
OTTAWA – The Canadian Border Services Agency has announced that the Canada-U.S. border will remain closed until January 21st, “a date with no specific significance whatsoever.” “We would li…
Facebook responds to antitrust lawsuits with acquisition of Justice Department
MENLO PARK, CA – In response to twin antitrust lawsuits launched by dozens of states and the federal government, social media giant Facebook has purchased the United States Justice Departme…
Ford assures Ontarians $12 bil in unused COVID funds will be disbursed to real estate developers as soon as possible
QUEEN’S PARK – Following a report from the province’s financial watchdog stating $12 billion in COVID-19 contingency funding is being hoarded, Premier Ford assured Ontarians those funds wil…
Wall Street to trade water, also mentions human body 60% water for no particular reason
NEW YORK – Representatives for the NYSE have announced that water futures will enter commodities trading on the stock market, before cryptically adding that human bodies are composed of mor…
Canadians warned to shelter at home unless your job makes money for someone richer
OTTAWA – Health Canada is warning all Canadians to avoid COVID by staying at home, with the exception of those whose jobs create wealth for those with exponentially more money than them, in…