PORTLAND, OR — A protest planned by the parents group “Vaccine Rights Now” has been postponed due to a local measles outbreak which has hospitalized dozens. “I would rather be out there pro…
Fans cheer as Avengers: Endgame brings closure to cinema as a whole
HOLLYWOOD — As Marvel Studios’ epic film Avengers: Endgame breaks box office records, fans across the world have cheered as it offers a thrilling finale to every film ever made up to this p…
STUDY: Average Canadian reads 97% less after getting too old for Scholastic book fair
HALIFAX — Researchers at Dalhousie University have determined that most Canadians’ volume of reading plummets over 97% after they leave elementary school, and thusly age out of the Scholast…
Catholic Church assures billionaires that none of their Notre Dame donations will go to poor
VATICAN CITY — Speaking to the handful of billionaires, CEO’s, and corporations that had immediately donated billions of dollars to rebuild the burned Notre Dame Cathedral, Pope Francis ass…
Redacted Mueller Report reads: “████ Trump ████ ███ not ██ ████ ██ guilty ████”
WASHINGTON, DC — After refusing to release the full Mueller Report for several weeks, Attorney General William Barr has cleared the report for public consumption, which states, “██████████ …
Trudeau always assumed he would be taken down by much sexier scandal
OTTAWA — Following criticism of his decision to oust Jody Wilson-Raybould from the Liberal caucus in the fallout of the SNC-Lavalin affair, Prime Minister Trudeau has replied that he always…
Doug Ford announces new Toronto subway lines, cancels them before end of conference
TORONTO — Speaking to reporters, Ontario premier Doug Ford cancelled the city’s plans for a downtown relief subway line before announcing his own “Ontario Line” subway, which he also then p…
Trump to replace outgoing DHS Secretary Nielsen with printed-out Breitbart articles
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the announcement that Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen will step down from her role, President Trump has announced her replacement to oversee the the Department of Homelan…
Local man says father “dumb enough” to fall for history’s largest, most sophisticated propaganda network
LANSING, SOUTH DAKOTA — 25 year old business administrator Jayson Milnerd has once again expressed astonishment that his Trump-supporting father is “so ignorant” as to fall for a multibilli…
Andrew Scheer texts unsolicited ‘pipeline pics’ to Canadian voters
OTTAWA — This weekend mobile phone users across Canada received unsolicited text messages from Conservative leader Andrew Scheer, featuring pictures that he described as his “huge, thick pi…