EDMONTON – As Alberta reels from a 4th of COVID wave brought on by relaxed restrictions during the province’s promised “Best Summer Ever”, premier Jason Kenney assured frightened citizens t…
Breaking: Cat apparently eats flowers now
REGINA, SK – Household sources are reporting that, as of 8pm last evening, the cat apparently likes to eat decorative flowers now. This stunning feline development was first witnessed by ca…
China releases two Michaels, offers Canada loyalty card good for deals on future hostages
BEIJING – Following a deal that resolved charges against Huawei executive Meng Wanzhou, China has released detained Canadians Michael Kovrig and Michael Spavor, and included a complimentary…
Final polls show 0% of Canadians sure why we needed an election
OTTAWA – As the Liberal and Conservative parties poll in a dead heat to form Canada’s next government, an aggregate of polls show that absolutely not one single voter can explain why this e…
Following emergency lockdown, Jason Kenney announces impromptu apology Stampede
EDMONTON – Following the announcement of strict new measures to combat the out of control spread of COVID-19, Premier Jason Kenney announced he will make it up to Albertans by holding a sur…
Antivaxxer spends day protesting hospital where he’ll spend next month intubated
TORONTO – Local anti-vaccine protestor Brayden Crosby, 32, spent today demonstrating against COVID-19 vaccine mandates outside the hospital where he will coincidentally be admitted for chro…
Anti-vax protestors throw rocks at Trudeau due to not having entered Bronze Age yet
LONDON, ON – During an election campaign stop Prime Minister Justin Trudeau faced anti-vaccine protestors who hurled rocks, namely because they lack the intelligence and evolutionary capabi…
Andrea Horwath announces bold plan to never, ever, ever become premier
TORONTO – Ontario NDP leader Andrea Horwath announced that she would oppose mandatory COVID vaccinations for teachers, yet another plank in her expansive new plan to never become Ontario’s …
Alberta relaxes COVID precautions, demands Trudeau build them a COVID pipeline for exports
EDMONTON – After announcing the removal of most COVID protocols despite rising case numbers, Alberta has publicly called on Ottawa to build them a pipeline expressly for exporting the virus…
Ford defends Ontarians’ constitutional right to infect their neighbours with Delta variant
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford firmly rejected the possibility of vaccine passports or forcing immunizations, citing Ontarians’ constitutional right to contract the deadly COVID-19 virus …