OTTAWA – After several weeks of daily broadcast addresses on the government’s coronavirus response, Prime Minister Trudeau today decided to re-air a previous clip to see if Canadians would …
Self-quarantined workforce discovers 95% of all jobs could have just been an e-mail
CANADA — As the COVID-19 situation finds many Canadians working from home for the first time, the overwhelming majority report discovering that their entire job description could normally b…
Local man assures shoppers he definitely also hoarding toilet paper for coronavirus
MISSISSAUGA, ON — As self-quarantining shoppers clear out many stores’ inventory of toilet paper, local systems analyst Greg Charpman keeps repeatedly insisting that his need to stockpile t…
Despite suspended NHL season, Leafs somehow still eliminated from playoffs
TORONTO — With the NHL announcing it will suspend the 2019/20 season due to concerns over the coronavirus pandemic, the League has also announced that the Toronto Maple Leafs have somehow s…
CDC urges Americans to stay safe by doing opposite of everything Trump says
ATLANTA, GA — Following a televised White House address, the Centers For Disease Control is urging Americans to take precautions against the COVID-19 virus by studying President Trump’s ins…
Experts scramble to figure out how global oil price crash the fault of Wet’suwet’en protestors
CALGARY — As oil prices crash 31% worldwide and the Dow drops more than 2,000 points over Coronavirus fears, oil industry experts are working hard on a way to blame all of this on recent We…
Eglinton LRT construction extended just long enough to be cancelled at last minute
TORONTO — With the recent announcement that the long-under-construction Eglinton LRT will be completed in 2022, the TTC has assured riders that this is only to ensure that the entire projec…
Nation’s moms form vigilante gang to make sure you get that cough checked out
EDMONTON — Mothers from all across Canada have banded together to form an extra-legal armed posse with the sole aim of making sure you get a doctor to check out that nasty cough. Meeting at…
Horrified Conservative Party realizes they never told Scheer he was fired
OTTAWA — After a video of Andrew Scheer railing against CBC’s stance on the preschool cartoon Paw Patrol went viral, panic gripped the Conservative Party’s top members upon realizing they’d…
Commuters warned not to retrieve items dropped on subway tracks unless it’s your phone in which case fair enough
TORONTO — Subway passengers are being warned never to attempt to reach for personal articles that have fallen onto the subway tracks, unless it’s their cell phone because how are you just g…