TORONTO – This weekend thousands gathered for an anti-mask protest in downtown Toronto which successfully combined the city’s notoriously exclusive ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ constituencies. As …
Local man schedules his authoritarianism anxiety around his pandemic anxiety
RED DEER, MB – Local man Marcus Strohn has reported creating an efficient schedule that balances his anxiety over the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic with his anxiety over the creeping global m…
Entire world stocking up on celebration champagne “for no reason, just in case”
EARTH – Across the globe sales of champagne, a beverage commonly associated with celebrating good news, have spiked, with customers insisting it’s “not for any particular occasion” while si…
As Gay Twitter reclaims #ProudBoys hashtag, Proud Boys change name to “Leather Men”
OTTAWA – In response to a demonstration by gay twitter users to reclaim the #ProudBoys hashtag, hate group the Proud Boys have distanced themselves from the LGBTQA+ community by renaming th…
Trudeau mobilizes troops to border in response to Rick Moranis attack
OTTAWA – Following the news that Canadian national treasure Rick Moranis was assaulted in New York City, Prime Minister Trudeau has ordered the full Canadian Armed Forces to amass on the US…
Trump slams Bob Woodward for waiting months to expose his lies about coronavirus
WASHINGTON DC – Following revelations in his upcoming book Rage that President Trump deliberately downplayed the severity of the COVID-19 pandemic, Trump attacked authour Bob Woodward for w…
Heartwarming! This kid is scared of her first day of school for regular reasons
Remember those first day of school butterflies? Worrying that you wouldn’t have the right backpack, or make any new friends. Well this tradition is being kept adorably alive as 10-year-old Madiso…
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
MONTREAL – Time and space as we know it was thrown into temporal flux today as protestors pulled down a statue of Sir John A. MacDonal, causing Canada’s first prime minister to be suddenly …
Sad man finds new favourite flavour of chips
WINNIPEG – Local pitiful human being, Jordan Wright, 34, has cemented his status as a notably bleak man by announcing that he has discovered a new favourite flavour of potato chips. “Oh God…
Trump counters Kasich, Powell endorsements by securing backing of prominent Democrats
WASHINGTON D.C. – Ahead of the Republican National Convention President Trump announced endorsements from Democrats Ghislaine Maxwell and Harvey Weinstein, intended to counter last week’s R…