PARIS, FRANCE ― The 2024 Summer Olympics are kicking off this week, and with so many events, you’re likely wondering which ones are worth tuning in for. The short answer is none of them, because …
Man angry about 15-minute cities wouldn’t last a day in Europe’s 15-minute countries
MARTENSVILLE, SK ― Sources close to Terrence Graves, a local mechanic, report that the 54-year-old who has been grousing for months about the entirely unrealistic dream of making North America th…
Critics praise “The Last Timbit” as the most edible product Tim Hortons has to offer
TORONTO, ON ― Describing it as “not entirely tasteless” and “at least as relevant to Tim Hortons as pizza, clothing, credit cards, or the spaceships they will probably announce soon,” reviewers o…
Supreme Court issues token reasonable ruling
WASHINGTON, DC ―As part of their ongoing mission to fool ridiculously gullible centrists into thinking that their rulings are rooted in respectable legal theory and not right-wing dogma, the Supr…
Jesus announces even he can no longer save in this economy
PARADISE, NS ― In a new testament to the widespread challenges of inflation, Jesus Christ has admitted that he is really no longer in a position to save these days. “I used to devote my life to t…
Quebec to leave tuition protestors alone provided they strike exclusively in French
QUEBEC CITY, QC ― In view of the recent demonstrations by student groups in front of universities, Premier Francois Legault reiterated his commitment to freedom of speech in a press conference to…
“I won’t eat anything I can’t pronounce,” announces woman who cannot pronounce “bruschetta”
MARKHAM, ON ― Local yoga instructor and healthy-eating enthusiast Bella Lincoln recently announced her intention to stop tracking macros and calories, relying instead on a whole-foods diet. Summa…
Breaking: Coworker who gave entire office Covid promoted for never taking a day off
HAMILTON, ON ― Inside sources report that your boss soon plans to announce a major promotion for Nathan Crane, a coworker currently working the same position as you. A significant factor in the …
Increased prevalence of public nudity as cost of clothing surpasses fines
BURNABY, BC ― As inflation runs rampant and dress codes grow more relaxed, more people are dispensing with clothing altogether, prompting calls for public officials to increase fines for indecent…
Protesters trying to block road frustrated to find every Ottawa road already closed for construction
OTTAWA, ON ― A group of protesters trying to generate enough chaos to gather national publicity was forced to concede defeat today, after their efforts to impede traffic illegally were foiled by …