QUEEN’S PARK – Following the surprise announcement that he will return all recently released lands back to the Greenbelt, Premier Doug Ford announced that the developers who purchased the land have invited him to a “We’re Not Mad At All” party in the middle of the night down at the Toronto docks.
While Ford’s government has insisted no well-connected insiders were given favours during their Greenbelt land swap, despite the developers attending family stag parties and weddings, the sudden reversal of the policy surprised Ontarians. Still, Ford insists there is no need for concern.
“People keep asking me questions like ‘Are you worried for your safety’ or ‘Have you joined the Witness Protection Program’, but trust me, these wealthy and powerful property developers are reasonable guys,” Ford insisted to reporters.
“Just because they stood to make $8.4 billion dollars from this deal, and they secretly lobbied my government at weddings and Las Vegas massage parlours and donated to my campaign, they say they’re not even a little bit upset,” Ford added. “In fact, they even said they’re going to give me a present down by the docks, something called ‘cement shoes’. Sounds classy!”
As a fourth Ford cabinet insider resigned this week, and an RCMP investigation into the Greenbelt landswap still looms, Ford insists his construction industry patrons are “totally chill about the whole thing”.
Asked if he would be going to the docks in the middle of the night alone, Ford responded, “That’s what it said on the party invitation from my pals Jimmy ‘The Hammer’ Esposito and Frankie ‘The Aluminum Baseball Bat’ Lombardi.”
In a related story, insiders report the piano bridge from the song “Layla” following Ford wherever he walks through the Queen’s Park halls.