CAMBRIDGE, MA – Pharmaceutical company Moderna has released a statement guaranteeing their new COVID vaccine will both decrease people’s chances of contracting the virus while boosting the likelihood they will get sucked into a meaningless argument about vaccination.
“Our new vaccine has been engineered not only to protect against the new variants of the virus but to be extra controversial thanks to a new key ingredient: medical science,” CEO Stéphane Bancel said in the statement.
“With this medication, you have 95% increased protection from the virus and 100% chance of your uncle saying something ignorant on Facebook.”
Health Canada was quick to approve the new vaccination, which they think will give the country a much-needed boost in bickering levels.
“Since mid-2022, Canadians have seen a drop in COVID argument variants such as Loud Arguments, Misinformed Debates, and Disingenuous Fights,” said Dr. Melinda Ryder, a consultant for Health Canada’s COVID Squabble Control Department. “But this new vaccine could see us return to Freedom Convoy levels of rancorous discord.”
If your post-vaccination debate lasts more than 4 hours, experts recommend contacting a rational friend immediately.
Canadians can book their vaccine appointments online at 4chan, Reddit, and MMAforum.com.