WASHINGTON, DC – The U.S. National Institute of Health has issued a statement outlining their concerns that, despite a growing public appetite to devour the rich, people still aren’t consum…
Food
French’s to release bottle of watery pre-mustard squirts
ROCHESTER, NY — Sandra Armbruster, head of marketing for French’s, announced the launch of its newest product, namely bottles filled with the watery squirts that blurp out when people first squee…
Crazed pescatarian won’t stop until she tastes the flesh of every known sea creature
SARNIA — Local pescatarian Chelsea Duke has vowed to taste the flesh of every known sea creature, and authorities warn that she should be considered armed and dangerous. “Ms. Duke is believed to …
Tim Hortons somehow more reputable than Hockey Canada
TORONTO – The nation was stunned and confused this week after the actions taken by two pillars of Canadian society resulted in the disorienting feeling that Tim Hortons is now a more reputa…
Deep-fried insulin huge hit at CNE
TORONTO — Each August food merchants at the CNE try to outdo each other with a new wild snack. Previous years have seen runaway hits with things like the spaghetti donut and ketchup-flavore…
Restaurant’s wacky theme menu runs out of steam halfway through
EDMONTON – According to local sources, the diners at Pirate Pete’s Pasta Paradise are noticing that the restaurant’s elaborate theme menu burns through all its good ideas in its first half. “The…
Tim Hortons announces plan to branch out into coffee, doughnut markets
OAKVILLE, ON ― In the face of stiff competition, Tim Hortons, the iconic Brazilian chili, ice cream, and TimBieb-brand clothing chain, announced a revolutionary plan to turn their focus to classi…
Study finds sugar linked to having zest for life
OTTAWA – Health Canada released a years long comprehensive study linking sugar with having a zest for life. This unprecedented report revealed the group who got to eat something sweet with …
Coffee shop employee ominously begins setting up microphone
LETHBRIDGE – According to sources embedded in The Bean Machine, all of the coffee shop’s patrons groaned when they saw an employee open a cupboard and remove a microphone stand. “I figured she wa…
City of Nanaimo desperate to be known by something other than bar
NANAIMO, BC — The City of Nanaimo admitted today that despite being the place where its near 100,000 residents call their home, live their lives, and dream their dreams, those accomplishments pal…