CAMBRIDGE, MA – Pharmaceutical company Moderna has released a statement guaranteeing their new COVID vaccine will both decrease people’s chances of contracting the virus while boosting the …
Science and Technology
Local pizzeria updates website from 1997 to website from 2005
CALGARY – Sources report that the Royal Pizzeria in Northwest Calgary has redesigned its website to only be 18 years behind modern design trends instead of a full 26 years out of date. “Wow, that…
Scientists determined to find what’s killing all the bees so it can be used to kill all the wasps
OTTAWA – Conservation experts and entomologists across the globe have announced they will be putting more effort into determining the cause of bee population declines around the world, so i…
Scientists baffled as Kleenex emerges from washing machine intact
WINDSOR – The scientific community is reeling after a Kleenex has allegedly emerged from a heavy-duty wash cycle soft, usable, and not in a gross little clump. According to local resident Michell…
Paleontologists theorize the T-Rex had kissable lips and an ass that won’t quit
VANCOUVER – The paleontology world is abuzz this week following the release of a new study which concludes that the tyrannosaurus rex, a massive bipedal carnivore that went extinct 66 milli…
Closer to Earth than it’s been in decades, Jupiter can’t believe how much Earth has let itself go
THE SOLAR SYSTEM – As Jupiter recently made its closest approach to the planet Earth since 1963, it was shocked and saddened to see how much the only habitable planet in the known universe …
80s nostalgia peaks with return of hole in ozone layer
WATERLOO – The 80s revival inspired by the hit Netflix show Stranger Things has reached new heights as scientists announced they have discovered a hole in the ozone layer. “If you thought t…
Dads everywhere emerge from 8-month hibernation for lawn mowing season
RICHMOND, BC – It’s that time of year again – dads across the country have awoken from their long winter’s naps to gripe about how overgrown their lawns have gotten. Local graphic des…
Pervert astronomers posting hole
WASHINGTON, DC – An international conglomerate of horndog scientists have made the news by posting hole on main. “The hole we’ve discovered is dense and tight,” said Event Horizon Telescope spoke…
Florida introduces ‘Don’t Say Science’ Bill
TALLAHASSEE, FL – Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida is now the highest ranking state politician to voice his endorsement of Bill 467 – the ‘Don’t Say Science’ bill. “I couldn’t be prouder of our l…