BREAKING: Packed Shoppers Drug Mart refuses to bring out another cashier
BRAMALEA, ON — In a scene described by onlookers as “the usual”, a bustling Shoppers Drug Mart refused to bring out a cashier during peak shopping hours. A single cashier, Peggy…
Toronto Sun hires eugenics expert to write new dating column
TORONTO – As part of their agenda to fight against the erosion of traditional Canadian values, The Toronto Sun announced today that they will be hiring a world-renowned eugenicist to write …
University anarchist group demands dedicated unsafe space
CALGARY – This past Tuesday, the University of Calgary Student Anarchists Society (UCSAS) delivered a petition to school administration insisting that an unsafe space be set aside for them to ret…
New Heritage Minute commemorates Canadian who sucker-punched Houdini
TORONTO — A newly released Heritage Minutes honours McGill student Jocelyn Gordon Whitehead, whose surprise attack on Harry Houdini is widely believed to have been the cause of his death in…
Local woman stays just informed enough to be angry and sad all the time
ST. JOHN’S — Local marketing consultant Ashley McEwan is focusing on her own emotional well-being by reading precisely enough news to be filled with pervasive existential dread at all times…
Local Dad reaches that age where he smells like a damp library
WINNIPEG – As he enters his late 50s Henry Adamson, father of three and grandfather of two, has, like so many men before him, started to smell like an old library that recently experienced …
Majority of Americans support sending Trump on Mars mission
WASHINGTON – A recent Rasmussen poll on the US Administration’s plan for further space exploration has shown that 84% of Americans support sending President Donald Trump on a one-way missio…
Homeschooled child not looking forward to going back-to-home
LETHBRIDGE, AB – Dreading the end of summer vacation, a local homeschooled child reported that she’s not looking forward to going back to her own house and starting grade 5. Rachel Moore, 1…
Hip server sits down while taking order
MONTREAL – Displaying an impressive level of disdain for the traditional role divisions between “customer” and “server,” brunch waiter Luc Petitclerc sat down in the one empty chair left by…
Report: 6 out of 10 school children will be sucked into an arcade game and forced to compete for survival
OTTAWA – A recent national study found that 60% of Canadian students will be sucked into a dusty arcade machine and forced to desperately fight for their lives in an alternate video game di…
