WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S. lawmakers are demanding several Canada provinces not only stock their spirits again, but also formally acknowledge that the anti-tariff boycott wasn’t working at all and that the Americans were “not even a little bit angry over it working”.
The provincial boycotts, enacted in retaliation for sweeping Trump Administration trade tariffs, “must end immediately, and also we don’t even think about you at all”, according to Rep. Claudia Tenney (R-NY). Tenney then stated for the record that Americans distillers are “definitely not” losing millions of dollars per year, and that the Canadian boycotts are “totally not” having their desired effect.
“I can’t think of a single good reason that Canada is boycotting our fine American alcohols, other than all of the trade tariffs, the 51st state rhetoric, and maybe our notoriously lax FDA standards,” insisted Tenney as she demanded a full formal apology from Canada for not bothering her in the slightest.
Across the nation in California, Senator Adam Schiff (D-CA) has made a similar request of Canadians. “Hey pals, it’s us, the good guys in California,” began Schiff’s social media post. “We also know that Trump is like sooo bad, but now a bunch of millionaires in Napa Valley are losing money. So if you could please completely fold on your alcohol boycott, then California is prepared to offer you absolutely nothing in return.”
Schiff then added, “Actually, not nothing. California is prepared to continue attacking Canadian film tax credits, plus letting our Silicon Valley tech CEOs run amok completely unregulated around the globe. Now buy our damn wine.”
Back in Washington D.C., President Donald J. Trump awoke from his daily medically-induced coma to dicate the following Truth Social post directed at Canadian lawmakers:
“The Islamic Republic of Canada is completely responsible for blocking the Straight of Greenland, and I don’t even care that they boycotted all of Jeffrey Epstein’s files, how dare they invade Venezuela and without paying me first and then took a ride on my Qatari jet, hey is that you daddy, are you proud of me, ZZZZZZzzzzzzz.”
At press time, Canadian booze still tastes great.
