Dennistown, PEI – “Behold, I am the mighty son of Poseidon!” Premier Dennis King announced today. “And I shall rule the Maritimes for a thousand glorious years!” Staffers have informed the press …
Maritimes
Nova Scotia RCMP claim they’re not racist since they can’t protect white people either
DIGBY, NS – After being accused of racism for allowing white fishermen to destroy Indigenous lobster fisheries, the RCMP clarified that they can’t protect anyone regardless of race. “Whoa, …
“Somebody should call the police,” say NS RCMP officers watching van being torched
NEW EDINBURGH, NS – A group of RCMP officers watched helplessly as white lobster fisherman broke into an Indigenous fishery, vandalized property, and set fire to a van. Armed with semi-auto…
St. John’s residents give up shovelling, build a new city on top of the old one
ST JOHN’S – Early reports indicate that residents of St. John’s, Newfoundland have given up removing snow from roads, sidewalks, and roofs, and have started building a new provincial capita…
102 years after Halifax Explosion, Dartmouth still waiting for reconstruction
DARTMOUTH, NS – More than a century after a devastating explosion rocked Halifax and the surrounding area, one city is still waiting for relief: Dartmouth. The city of 65,000 survivors and …
Divided Canada: PEI separatist movement boasts second member
CHARLOTTETOWN – In yet another blow to Canada’s national unity, Dave Howard from Summerside, PEI has announced his support for PEI’s secession from Canada by joining the nearly non-existent…
Following Hurricane Dorian, Nova Scotians still unaware Dartmouth floated away
HALIFAX — In the wake of Hurricane Dorian, a category 2 storm that battered the Maritimes, locals have yet to notice that the entire city of Dartmouth has been washed out to sea. Officials …
Teeny-tiny party from itty-bitty province wins adorably miniature election
CHARLOTTETOWN – The tiniest of the teeny of political parties from the petite province of PEI has won the most adorably small election, reports indicate. The itty-bitty islanders placed the…
Autopsy confirms Paddy Murphy died of alcohol poisoning
ST JOHN’S – An autopsy of Patrick Murphy has confirmed that the local man died after a long night of binge drinking with his friends on George Street. “Every drink in the place was full the…
NB’s People’s Alliance willing to negotiate with other parties so long as they expel remaining Acadians
FREDERICTON – The anti-francophone party that now holds three seats in New Brunswick’s Legislature said that they’re willing to negotiate with either the Liberals or Progressive Conservativ…