PRAGUE – After receiving full membership in the European Broadcasting Union following a general assembly vote, Canada has been cleared to enter the popular international Eurovision song contest, on the condition that the Canadian entrant not attempt to sing in any dialect of Canadian French.
“We are very excited about today’s vote, and to have CBC/Radio-Canada finally achieve full membership in the EBU. There is so much that I love about your country” said Delphine Cunci, President of the European Broadcasting Union and CEO of France Télévisions. “In fact, the only thing I can’t stand about your country is the series of offensive mouth-noises that you people refer to as ‘Canadian French.’”
“I would rather see the French language erased from the annals of history, leaving my people to walk this Earth in voiceless silence, than spend a single minute listening to you people sing about driving your “char” to the “depannuer”.
Members of Canada’s Francophone communities have expressed outrage following the announcement.
“We are proud of our Quebecois heritage and our language, and this decision by the EBU is incredibly disappointing,” said 34-year-old Jacques Girard, a local Montreal musician. “We really hoped to see more solidarity from the European French community, even if they are a bunch of ascot-wearing pastry-eaters who drive their “voitures” on “le week-end”.”
Girard continued, “Good call on banning New Brunswick French, though. That so-called dialect is an affront to French and I would rather cook both of my ears clean off in the bagel slot of a toaster than listen to a single minute of it.”
Canadians are largely divided on the question of whether to move forward with a Eurovision entry under the circumstances, with 37% of polled Canadians stating that Canada should boycott the event, 42% stating that Canada should move forward with an Anglophone act, and 98% stating that they’ll be happy with either decision so long as Canada is not represented at Eurovision by Katy Perry.
Image: Michael Doherty
