EDMONTON – In his first budget, Premier Jason Kenney has cut the basic income support for handicapped people and redirected the millions saved to fund a public inquiry into why people think he’s a callous asshole.
“I feel badly for the handicapped, I suppose – but every Albertan has to make sacrifices in these tough economic times,” said Kenney after the budget was delivered. “Like how I used to sacrifice my time as a student working to prevent gay partners from visiting their loved ones dying of AIDS. University wasn’t all fun and games as an anti-abortion activist.”
Part of the task force’s job will be to trace the mysterious foreign money that fuels a widespread social media campaign against Kenney that has resulted in ordinary Canadians publishing comments on social media like: “Kenney creeps me the fuck out” and “Isn’t he the loser who claimed a government subsidy to live in his mom’s basement?”
“It is not normal behaviour for Canadians to loathe conservative politicians,” said UPC spokesperson Erika Barootes. “Obviously dirty money from beyond our borders is paying off people to hate Kenney. It can’t be because he’s raising fees and making higher education more expensive. The straightforward answer is a Greenpeace conspiracy backed by Soros.”
Ultimately the concern in conservative circles is that widespread recognition of Kenney as an odious shitstain will hurt his chances when he inevitably dumps Alberta like toxic slurry in a tailings pond at the first chance to backstab Andrew Scheer and take over the federal party.