THUNDER BAY, ON – Last week, Marie Wilson announced that she was leaving modern society behind forever in order to join a Satanic cult, a decision based entirely on her being fed up with having to come up with a different outfit every day.
“It was just exhausting,” the 32-year-old accountant explained from deep within the cult’s bunker, as she admired her new disciple robes. “Waking up every day with the knowledge that I couldn’t just throw on the same clothes as yesterday? What kind of a society have we created in which I can’t wear sweatpants to work three weeks in a row and not be fired?”
“The Brotherhood of Beelzebub has welcomed me with open arms and the knowledge that I will only ever wear two garments for the rest of my life,” Wilson enthused, tucking a bloodstained bible into the rope belt at her side. “Unless, of course, Father Josiah chooses me as one of his wives. Then, I get the fancy Virginal Robes of Eternal Purity. But even those are pre-chosen! This is the best!”
Fellow cult member and Wilson’s mentor, Sister Kaylee, said she was thrilled with Wilson’s enthusiasm.
“Even when I told her about the ritual Outsider sacrifices, all she asked was ‘Should I wear my grey robe or my darker grey robe to those?’ Kaylee explained as she rinsed blood out of her cult-issued sockettes. “She’s the easiest recruit we’ve ever had, praise be to the King of Darkness. We didn’t even have to kidnap her!”
One person who was not pleased with Wilson’s life choice was her mother, Carol, who explained that she blamed herself for her daughter’s actions.
“Ever since we moved her from Catholic school to public school, she was never the same,” the 60-year-old mourned, taking a break from putting up posters of Wilson around town. “She had a panic attack when I asked her what jeans she wanted to wear on the first day of class, and tried to go to school naked. I just feel so guilty.”
Wilson was last seen dancing around the flames of a ceremonial burning of the 200 pairs of shoes she had owned in her previous, sinful existence.