TORONTO – With Nuit Blanche expected to return for the first time since the pandemic, a local group of buddies is excited to spend the whole event unsuccessfully trying to meet up. “It’s going t...
“And m’lady will have the McNuggets” says modern chevalier
EDMONTON – A scene straight out of an old-fashioned romance is unfolding at the West Edmonton Mall McDonald’s as a modern knight is ordering his date’s meal for her. “Tell me, do you desire both honey...
Country that took 11 days to mourn symbol of colonialism takes day to honour victims of colonialism
NATIONWIDE – Canadians that recently took 11 days to mourn the death of Queen Elizabeth II, a symbol of colonialism, have also taken September 30th to honour victims of said colonialism. “It’s i...
‘Alberta Is Calling’ ads lure Ontarians with chance to live in Province that is fucked up in a slightly different way
TORONTO – Alberta’s provincial government has launched a full court press to convince Ontarians sick and tired of dealing with all the Province’s problems to move to Alberta so they ...
Closer to Earth than it’s been in decades, Jupiter can’t believe how much Earth has let itself go
THE SOLAR SYSTEM – As Jupiter recently made its closest approach to the planet Earth since 1963, it was shocked and saddened to see how much the only habitable planet in the known universe has g...
Ketchup Caesar named Canada’s inflation cocktail
LEAMINGTON, ON – As budgets tighten, ketchup has stepped up once again for the everyman. To say thanks, the Ketchup Caesar was just named Canada’s official inflation cocktail by the Professional Barte...
Plants horrified to sit on bookshelf full of their dead processed cousins
SASKATOON — Local plants Natalie and William expressed their horror at having to reside on a structure surrounded by the corpses of their relatives, which have been dried, mulched, flattened, bound, a...
Study: 97% of temporary insanity cases caused by those goddamned cicadas
EVERYWHERE, ALL AROUND YOU, ALL THE TIME ― A report conducted this summer by the University of Guelph has found that 97% of reported cases of temporary insanity in Canada are triggered exclusively by ...
This Brad J. Lamb condo development sign is running for Mayor of Toronto
TORONTO – In the lead up to the October 22 municipal election, it looks like incumbent Mayor John Tory will have a new opponent to face: this Brad J. Lamb Condo Development Notice Sign. The Brad...
Mask-free passenger at last tastes exquisite bacchanalian delight of unprotected airplane air
AIRSPACE — Following lifting of mask mandates for air and train travel, passengers across Canada are finally free to reemerge into the sensual garden of pleasures waiting for them on the inside of pla...
