WHATELY, AB – In a failed attempt to build a casual, respectful rapport with his students, newly hired grade 8 teacher, Mark Dickerson, regrets allowing that one kid in his class to nicknam…
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Meet the team of Navy SEALs whose job it is to bring back Trump every time he gets confused and wanders off
Among the most highly trained U.S. Special Operations soldiers, the men and women of SEAL Team 11 are tasked with locating and retrieving President Donald Trump every time he wanders away from ho…
John Kelly tired of confiscating Trump’s nudie pens
Washington D.C – Newly appointed Chief of Staff John Kelly has been overheard complaining to aides about having to confiscate yet another one of President Trump’s nudie pens after a m…
Typical: Millennials just want to stare at the eclipsed sun without putting in the hard work of worshipping it
By Harvey Prun of the Third House of the Sunseekers I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said before when I point out that Millennials expect everything to just be given to them from jobs to …
Man ghosts woman after 45 years of marriage
EDMONTON – After spending 45 years in a seemingly perfectly happy marriage, local husband Pierre Villeneuve has ghosted his wife Catherine. “The trick to a good ghosting means laying …
Peter Mansbridge lands lead anchor on Naked News
TORONTO – After retiring from the CBC’s flagship broadcast news program, The National, journalist and Canadian icon Peter Mansbridge has taken a new job as lead nude anchor on the Toronto-b…
Shadowy cabal agrees to buy bigger conference table
ZURICH – The clandestine organization of billionaire power brokers responsible for controlling the world’s destiny has reportedly decided to purchase a larger conference table. “The vote is…
EDITORIAL: If it wasn’t for our discrimination, Pride wouldn’t even exist
As a Police officer, it is disappointing that the Toronto Police will no longer be marching in pride, in large part because we practically invented pride. If it wasn’t for our efforts raidi…
Accused serial surrealist pleads “rhinoceros”
OTTAWA – A man accused of eighteen counts of criminal absurdity and surrealistic acts, entered a plea in federal court yesterday claiming that he is “rhinoceros” of all charges. Alejandro R…
Website faces class action lawsuit by readers who believe what happened next
OTTAWA – A class action lawsuit has been filed against the media website TimeSuck by a group of users who viewed an online video and found it to be well within the realm of believability, c…