Closer to Earth than it's been in decades, Jupiter can't believe how much Earth has let itself go - The Beaverton
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Closer to Earth than it’s been in decades, Jupiter can’t believe how much Earth has let itself go

THE SOLAR SYSTEM – As recently made its closest approach to the since 1963, it was shocked and saddened to see how much the only habitable planet in the known universe has gone severely downhill.

“Holy shit, what the hell happened?” Jupiter is reported to have exclaimed as the two planets’ orbits brought them within 590 million kilometers of each other. “WHO DID THIS TO YOU?”

Jupiter, the oldest planet in the solar system, has known the Earth since it was first formed 4.5 billion years ago and has never seen it in such bad shape.

“I haven’t seen the Earth looking this lousy since all those whachamacallits died… you know, big creatures, looked kinda like birds… uh… the dinosaurs! And at least that was because of an outside force, it’s not like the Earth could have dodged that meteor.”

“But everything happening to the Earth now is, frankly, its own fault. There’s a reason no other planet in the solar system currently harbours life: life are assholes. I , some of them are okay – like I said, big fan of dinosaurs, those dudes were alright. Plants are also pretty great. Have you seen a cherry blossom tree? Lovely.”

“However, once any species discovers the combustion engine, it’s all burning forests, parking lots, and oceans filled with trash,” Jupiter said.

“Same thing happened to Mars, but thankfully its sapient lifeforms destroyed themselves eons ago and now the planet is a beautiful lifeless desert. Unfortunately, I get the feeling those industrial parasites infesting Earth are going to limp along, poisoning everything including themselves but still clinging to their ruinous ways, for a while yet.”

Earth has refused to comment other than to emit a constant low moan that is inaudible to biological ears but nevertheless causes every lifeform on its surface to experience a slow, creeping dread.