Oshawa, ON – Local man Keith Spahr is adding his voice to the millions of Canadians currently expressing gratitude at the people who are allowing us to buy groceries and other essential ite…
Local psychopath still planning on celebrating April Fools’ Day
Kelowna, BC – Local man and absolute lunatic George Black says that, despite literally everything happening right now, he still intends to go all out for April Fool’s Day. “I know people ar…
Group hanging out in park presumably celebrating the blood on their hands
VANCOUVER – A group of friends chatting, drinking and generally having a grand ol’ time in the park this past weekend were presumably celebrating the fact that they are now responsible for …
Breaking: All the news happening all at once
EARTH – According to reports from every single human being’s television, social media and worried mothers, all the news is currently happening right now. “I took a 10 minute shower and when…
Man spends entire movie thinking about how badly he needs to pee
REGINA – After consuming a large Diet Coke during the commercials, trivia game and previews local man Desmond Mathune spent the entirety of his two hour movie watching experience thinking a…
Breaking: U.S. President to be man for record 232nd straight year
WASHINGTON D.C. – With Elizabeth Warren dropping out of the Democratic Primaries the United States will break its own record for longest time governed exclusively by men. “Sure we considere…
Leafs scramble to find more heartwarming ways to lose
TORONTO – In the wake of emergency backup goalie David Ayres’ remarkable victory over them, and the subsequent outpouring of affection for him, the Toronto Maple Leafs are trying to c…
TTC unveils new elite fare enforcement SWAT team
TORONTO – As part of the war against fare evaders the TTC unveiled its new elite unit of fare enforcers. “Each member of our unit, codenamed the Red Rocket Berets, has extensive train…
Ontario teachers reject gov’s latest offer of ‘Ford gets to punch one teacher in the face every day’
TORONTO – After taking the weekend to mull it over, Ontario’s teachers have decided not to accept the provincial government’s latest offer, where salaries would be drastically cut and Ford …
Friend who moved to suburbs really wants you to come visit sometime
Oakville, ON – Ryan, your buddy from University who recently moved to the Toronto suburb of Oakville has texted you for the fourth time this month that you should totally come over and visi…