BHOPAL, INDIA — A cache of paintings found in the Bhimbetka caves in the Indian state of Madhya Pradesh is being touted as a paradigm-shifting discovery, positing that proto-humans were actually …
Mediaeval battering-ram operator reincarnated as guy on bus with backpack
VANCOUVER — Local barista Rob McNair smashed thirty-eight fellow transit riders with his backpack earlier today while acting on unconscious instincts from his previous incarnation as a soldier in…
Woman neglects to say “be careful,” resulting in boyfriend bumbling into active volcano
BRANDON, MB — Local girlfriend Teresa Waldner failed to remind boyfriend Todd Derksen to be careful yesterday, resulting in his bumbling straight into the mouth of an erupting volcano. “Oh, god,…
Task proves easy, falls short of “peasy”
STITTSVILLE, ON — Local graphic designer Anna-Maria Monteiro cancelled her subscription to a stock image website today, a minor task she found easy, but not peasy. “It’s been hard to find the ti…
Monkey social media platform allows monkey users to throw faeces at other monkeys users anywhere in the world
PALO ALTO, CA — GoBananaz, the world’s premier simian social media site has debuted a long awaited feature allowing users to heave faeces at each other. “This is a game-changer,” said Tiny, a Ma…
Audience at Shakespeare play guesses soliloquy means “he’s upset about something”
HALIFAX — The audience at Neptune Theatre’s recent production of Coriolanus came to the conclusion that, in the titular character’s soliloquy in Act Four, Scene Four, he’s angry. “He seemed prett…
Boy realises the magic really was in that amulet and not inside him in the slightest
COMOX, B.C. — Local adolescent Graham Holley’s adventure in a parallel world came to a disappointing conclusion thanks to his foolish belief that there was magic in his own heart, and not in the …
Allure of handsome American traveller evaporates when he refers to toque as “beanie”
TORONTO — Jane Pryce’s near hook-up with attractive American tourist Zach Greer was narrowly averted when he unselfconsciously referred to his toque as a “beanie.” The twenty-seven year-old found…
Expensive therapist makes higher quality “mmmm” sounds
VANCOUVER — Demand for professional counsellor Lorraine Novak has skyrocketed, thanks to her ability to make particularly empathetic “mmmm” sounds while her clients blab about their miserable liv…
Man with high pitched warbling voice dies, becomes ghost with clear, deep voice
ST JOHN’S — The late Alan Hynes has surprised friends and relatives by reappearing in spectral form, able to communicate in a voice that’s suddenly low, resonant and intelligible. “I don’t know …