HALIFAX – Scores of Haligonians were forced to evacuate their homes and business this morning as Pearl, the grotesque Oyster Fest mascot, and Woody, the horrifying talking Christmas tree, engage...
Woman sets vibrator to “Elon Musk Getting Destroyed On Twitter” setting
Bedroom, Ontario – While blowing off some steam after a long day at work, Michelle Trudy opened the small pouch next to her bed and turned her vibrator to her favourite setting, “Elon Musk Getti...
“No one said we’d be good this year” claims Sens fan who spent all summer saying team would be good this year
OTTAWA – Tired of being mocked for the team’s poor performance, Ottawa Senators fan David Martinson is reminding everyone that the team was expected to struggle, despite spending the off-s...
Kanye West loses sponsorship deal with Schwartz’s Kosher Dreidels
LOS ANGELES – In another stunning blow to the merchandising empire of music legend Kanye West, the hip-hop artist has now lost his lucrative deal with Schwartz’s Kosher Dreidels. “We’ve been taking a ...
Blue Bombers hoping to win third straight Grey Cup and trade them in for one Super Bowl
REGINA — The Winnipeg Blue Bombers are attempting to claim their third straight Grey Cup, a generational feat that will allow them to redeem their hard-fought prizes for a single Super Bowl. “It’s al...
Nutritionists worried people aren’t getting enough billionaires in their diet
WASHINGTON, DC – The U.S. National Institute of Health has issued a statement outlining their concerns that, despite a growing public appetite to devour the rich, people still aren’t consuming t...
French’s to release bottle of watery pre-mustard squirts
ROCHESTER, NY — Sandra Armbruster, head of marketing for French’s, announced the launch of its newest product, namely bottles filled with the watery squirts that blurp out when people first squeeze ou...
Trudeau assures China that condescending manner used only for Canadian voters
BALI – Following Chinese claims that Justin Trudeau was acting in a “condescending manner” toward Xi Jinping, the Canadian prime minister has assured Chinese officials he is only condescending t...
New bird added to endangered species list
Experts agree this species will almost certainly become extinct due to human activity, in this case the activity of a single human....
Swiss Chalet, Durex team up for Chalet Sauce flavoured lube
TORONTO – Recipe Unlimited Corporation, the owners of Swiss Chalet, have announced a collaboration with sex accessories corporation Durex that will finally see the release of Chalet Sauce flavou...
