American authorities are asking for the public’s help in a nationwide manhunt for two men caught on camera looting during a time of emergency. Witnesses say the men pictured took advantage of a h…
Justice Department decides doing a crime that you did doesn’t mean you did the crime that you definitely did
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States Department of Justice has withdrawn charges against Donald Trump’s former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn. DOJ prosecutors had previously …
Trump ensures America’s stimulus checks will bounce by writing his name on them
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a rare display of business acumen, Donald Trump is saving the United States approximately $290 billion by having his name appear on the new round of stimulus checks to …
Local badass only washes hands for 15 seconds
VANCOUVER – Resident troublemaker James Bryant rocked the health-and-hygiene world yesterday when he announced he had been washing his hands for only 15 seconds at a time, a full 5 seconds …
Man who took 30 years to win one state considered “electable”
SOUTH CAROLINA – Joe Biden is now the presumptive nominee for the Democratic Party and the “man to beat,” following a primary win in South Carolina that only took him a third of a century t…
Democrats excited by early opportunity to tear themselves apart from within
DES MOINES, IA – The U.S. Democratic party is celebrating a rare win after a computer glitch at their Iowa primary gave them a chance to self-destruct earlier than they normally do in an el…
Kansas City Chiefs confirm they will go to Seattle for White House visit
KANSAS CITY, MO – Following their stunning 31-20 Super Bowl victory over the San Francisco 49ers, the Missouri-based Kansas City Chiefs have confirmed they will accept President Trump’s inv…
Vibranium stocks tumble as U.S. raises tariffs on Wakanda
NEW YORK – Vibranium stocks and vibranium-rich mutual funds took a nosedive this morning as the United States announced a new series of tariffs on the tiny East African nation of Wakanda. T…
America makes animal cruelty a federal crime, freeing up more cages for children
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States government has passed a law making animal cruelty a federal crime, a major step forward in addressing both animal rights issues and the increasingly dir…
Are hedgehogs getting sexier? Hollywood says yes
Move over, Bambi’s mom. Hollywood’s animated creature kingdom just got hotter. Following widespread outcry over the unalluring appearance of Sonic the Hedgehog in the first trailer for his new fi…