KAMLOOPS, BC – A study by the Canadian Institute of Geriatrics has discovered a direct correlation between people who claim they lived a life without regrets and people who actually have a …
Trump announces do-over after media calls no takesy-backsies
WASHINGTON D.C. – The White House has announced that Vladimir Putin will be visiting Donald Trump in the United States this fall. Only days after the duo’s Helsinki summit ended with Trump …
Trump rescues separated immigrant children with jobs at Mar-a-Lago
PALM BEACH, FL – In a surprise contradiction to his conservative border policy, U.S. President Donald J. Trump has instructed law enforcement to release immigrant children that ICE had sepa…
Conservative Santa promises bad children will get coal, good ones bitumen
EDMONTON – In a rare public statement on Friday, Conservative Santa announced he would be replacing the traditional stocking stuffers of candy canes and mini-snickers with more family-frien…
Scientists discover alternate universe where people listen to them
UNITED KINGDOM — Noted astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson shocked the scientific community on Monday when he announced evidence of an alternate universe in which people actually listen to s…
Houston Red Cross running dangerously low on thoughts and prayers
HOUSTON – The Houston chapter of the American Red Cross has issued a desperate plea for thoughts and prayers as Hurricane Harvey inundates southern Texas with record rainfall and devastatin…
Steve Bannon leaves White House in search of whiter house
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Stephen K. Bannon, White House strategist and de facto leader of the uncivil rights movement, has resigned from his post as the president’s most trusted advisor, citing a…
Norfolk Ledger-Dispatch apologizes for error in 1945 headline
NORFOLK, VA – The Norfolk Ledger-Dispatch, the paper of record for Norfolk, Virginia, has issued a correction to a 1945 story that indicated that Nazi organizations were no longer functioni…
Entire G7 waits for Trump to leave so they can start real summit
SICILY – After two days of shuffling blank papers and waving shiny objects, heads of state from G7 countries have begun preparing for the actual summit scheduled to commence after Donald Tr…
Chelsea Manning released from prison, excited for new career as Twitter abuse victim
UNITED STATES – Private Chelsea Elizabeth Manning, who was released from confinement on May 17th following seven years in a military prison, has expressed enthusiasm that she can now pursue…
