WASHINGTON, DC – The U.S. National Institute of Health has issued a statement outlining their concerns that, despite a growing public appetite to devour the rich, people still aren’t consuming the recommended daily allowance of billionaires.
“The ultra-wealthy play an important role in gastro-intestinal health,” says Dr. Greg Anu, Chief Financial Surgeon at the Mayo Clinic. “Billionaires are extremely rich sources of greedinine, trustfundium, and nepotide. Some would say too rich. Much too rich.”
The practice of a social body consuming the parasites that infest it goes back to Ancient Rome, where it was discovered that throwing lawyers into the Coliseum resulted in unusually happy and healthy lions. Over time, biologists discovered that the wealthier a person is, the more nutritious they are per gram.
“You might have heard that if all the billionaires pooled their resources, they could feed the whole world,” says Dr. Anu. “The same is true of their body mass. A little billionaire goes a long way.”
According to studies, just a thin slice of a hedge fund manager, publishing tycoon, or shipping magnate could sustain a working family for an entire year. “It’s just like trickle-down economics,” adds Dr. Anu. “But instead of the illusion of wealth trickling down to the poor, it’s the ear of the guy who foreclosed on your parents’ house trickling down your throat.”
Properly harvested, the world’s 2,755 current billionaires could vastly improve the health and welfare of the entire planet. “Just a pinch of the rich really spices up the microbiome,” says Dr. Anu. “And because most wealth is inherited rather than earned, we will have a renewable supply of their children and grandchildren to sustain us later, sort of like Soylent Gold.”
“But everyone should add a little oligarchy to their daily diet wherever they can – chew on a plutocrat while you jog, or lick your Congressman at their next rally. What’s important is everyone needs to get out there now and just start feeding.”