ROCHESTER, NY — Sandra Armbruster, head of marketing for French’s, announced the launch of its newest product, namely bottles filled with the watery squirts that blurp out when people first squeeze out mustard.
“We asked customers for their best memories of our condiments,” Armbruster said. “And the overwhelming majority were stories of fighting with siblings to be the first to spray their hot dog with that initial splash of watery, vaguely mustard-flavoured spit. Well French’s has heard you, and now we’re proud to offer a product that lets everyone have as much of that delectable, tangy pre-mustard fluid as you’ve always wanted.”
Daevi Vishwakarma, head of French’s product development, demonstrated the newly-designed nozzle that, when squeezed, always makes a particularly disgusting fart noise.
“This gruesome sound, like a blast of anal wind,” Vishwakarma said, “is actually just the beginning. Depending on the bottle’s fullness and the user’s technique, various spatters can be modulated ranging from a hand-clasp fart to a full-blown case of rotten chicken burrito diarrhoea.”
“And don’t think we’ve forgotten about that congealed bullet of dried mustard that solidifies on the inside of the cap,” Armbruster said. “We know you love to pull those off and chew them for fifteen to twenty minutes like a piquant, nose-burning gum, so we’ll soon offer those in bags of fifty.”
“This is the best day of my life,” said longtime customer Deirdre Wilkes. “Now I don’t have to restrict the moist near-mustard discharge to one delightful bite, but I can savour it on the whole weiner. I hope they package some of my other favourites like straight up pickle water, blob of pork fat from the top of a can of beans, and the collection of wet food scraps in the sink trap.”
In a last minute delay, French’s is working to correct a product defect causing the first use coming out as even, yellow mustard.