CAMBRIDGE – Historians studying ancient documents from the dawn of the information age have recently discovered that the holiday known today as Cyber Monday can be traced all the way back to the...
Doug Ford extends Black Friday Sale on greenbelt land
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford announced he is extending his government’s Black Friday Greenbelt Land Sale, allowing real estate moguls and elite donors to purchase only-recently developable l...
French language activists say government can give Tylenol with American packaging to children if they can read their temperature in French
QUEBEC CITY – With Canada experiencing an extreme shortage of children’s Tylenol owing to a lack of mandatory bilingual packaging, French language activists announced they would be willing to ac...
Slide-whistle virtuoso longs to play Rachmaninoff instead of accompanying prank videos
TORONTO — Martin Peck, the world’s foremost slide-whistle virtuoso, expressed his frustration at only being hired to accompany prank videos. “The slide-whistle is my instrument and my art,” Peck said....
“The Freedom Convoy Protest wasn’t an emergency,” says man who doesn’t live in Ottawa
Kamloops, BC – Local man Mark Howerston is confident the Freedom Convoy occupation of Ottawa was not enough of an emergency to justify the Trudeau government’s use of the Emergencies Act. ...
“Fair Enough,” says boyfriend definitely listening
WHITBY, ON – “Fair Enough,” responded local boyfriend Shaun Wright, after noticing a pause in his girlfriend’s mumblings, which he assumed to be the end of her story. The exchange took pla...
Editorial: Where are all the White Fridays?
By: Jordan Peterson Imagine if you will, a sale of sorts, in which the hierarchical notion of sovereignty and power is given directly back to the consumer. This individual person of power, which by pe...
Black Friday deal just last year’s price
MISSISSAUGA – Retailers are embracing this year’s Black Friday by offering consumers the deal of a lifetime, the chance to buy products at last year’s regular prices. Naomi Hoffman eagerly await...
Millennials call for “youth” to be redefined as whatever age they currently are
OTTAWA – In a recent statement, the nation’s millennials have called for the definition of “youth” to be urgently changed to whatever age they are right now. “This is a crisis,” says Ashley Moli...
Ethical soccer fan vows to watch entire World Cup while tsk-ing
TORONTO – Hardcore soccer fan Ethan Weir will be protesting the 2022 World Cup by shaking his head and tsk-ing while he watches every minute of the tournament. “Between the horrific abuse that migran...
