TORONTO – In the latest in a string of branding acquisitions, telecom giant Rogers has secured all naming rights over Bell Canada. “When I think of Bell Canada, I think of a heartless, megalithic…
Defective Vorpal Blade goes Snacker-Snick
WONDERLAND – In a shocking move Wednesday, L. Carroll Enterprises, manufacturer of the popular Vorpal Blade line of self-defence devices, has issued a product-wide recall after a large batch of b…
Jury disappointed dentist committed murder with boring ol’ gun
KELOWNA, BC – An empanelled jury hearing the murder trial of Dr. Kenneth Pritchard has expressed bitter disappointment after hearing that the defendant was accused of killing his victim with a du…
In embarrassing snafu, starting line-up of St. Louis Cardinals included in Conclave to elect new pope
VATICAN CITY – In a clear administrative error by the Holy See, the recently convened Conclave to choose the next pope has mistakenly included both the entire College of Cardinals as well as the …
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Trump unable to pursue military invasion of Canada due to bone spurs
MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Speaking from his private resort President-Elect Trump explained that, despite his rhetoric, he won’t be able to make good on his threats to annex Canada because of his bone spur…
Trump threatens to tariff California wildfires unless they immediately extinguish themselves
MAR-A-LAGO, FL – President Elect Trump spoke from his resort to demand that the wildfires destroying large portions of Los Angeles stop immediately or else he will impose various trade sanctions …
News Anchor excited for annual holiday tradition of paying lip service to Hannukah
VANCOUVER – Local TV news anchor Mitch Huggins was shaking with anticipation Tuesday as local news affiliate WKQC-8 prepared for its yearly tradition of modestly recognizing the existence of Hann…
Chrystia Freeland steps down after fixing Canadian economy
OTTAWA – Canadian Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland has triumphantly announced her resignation after proclaiming victory over all aspects of Canada’s formerly troubled economy. “I’m a firm belie…
Time Magazine strains definition of “Person”
NEW YORK CITY – Times Magazine has announced that Donald Trump has been named in their latest issue as their Person of the year, stretching the definition of “person” to its absolute limit. “He w…
