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News in Brief
Alien civilization blocks humanity after receiving unsolicited nudes
DEEP SPACE – Immediately regretting opening the strange message attached to an oblong metallic object marked “PIONEER” found floating in space, a distant alien civilization blocked all of h…
Friend sends 68 consecutive texts for 6 word message
SASKATOON – An avalanche of texts from Alisha Kostyshyn was sent to her friend today to convey the question “what are you up to tonight?” Clarissa Hamilton’s smart phone unnecessarily vibra…
Air show opens with sky acknowledgment
TORONTO – In a move that many are considering very progressive, this year’s air show began with a statement recognizing the traditional Indigenous keepers of the airspace where the show was…
Snake can’t believe she still fits into her skin from 10 years ago
NARCISSE, MB – A local red sided garter snake took to a grass field to brag about how she can still squeeze into her old skin, which she shed some ten years ago. “Oh my God! ” said the snak…
Ecstatic bandwagon fan says he’s always been cheering for Kevin Lowry
COBOURG, ON- Bandwagon Raptors fan Caleb Fletcher insists he has been cheering for his favourite player Kevin Lowry this whole time. “I love his passion for the game,” said Fletcher w…
Report: Door not as heavy as expected
CHARLOTTETOWN, PEI – Despite being large and made of heavy-looking glass, a report released Monday has concluded that the door to Belle’s Yoga Studio on Belvedere Ave. is way lighter than y…
Military budget cuts force soldier to play Last Post on recorder
EDMONTON – Budget cuts to the Royal Canadian Artillery Band has forced one of its musicians to perform the Last Post using a recorder commandeered from a grade 3 class. All instruments from…
Update: Poppy already lost
CANADA – Recent reports indicate that you have already lost your poppy that was attached to your jacket, sweater, or hat a few moments after pinning it there. The symbol of remembrance slid…
Truck nuts lovingly placed into winter storage
FORT MCMURRAY, AB – Protecting his prized possession from the harsh elements, local man Terrence McGillivery, has lovingly placed his chrome truck nuts, which he displays on the hitch of hi…