EDMONTON – Budget cuts to the Royal Canadian Artillery Band has forced one of its musicians to perform the Last Post using a recorder commandeered from a grade 3 class. All instruments from…
News in Brief
Update: Poppy already lost
CANADA – Recent reports indicate that you have already lost your poppy that was attached to your jacket, sweater, or hat a few moments after pinning it there. The symbol of remembrance slid…
Truck nuts lovingly placed into winter storage
FORT MCMURRAY, AB – Protecting his prized possession from the harsh elements, local man Terrence McGillivery, has lovingly placed his chrome truck nuts, which he displays on the hitch of hi…
Sweater mostly cat hair at this point
MONTAGUE, PEI – Sporting her favourite sweater for a weekend gathering, friends of local woman Theresa McCallum, 34, revealed today that the black turtleneck she was wearing was undeniably …
Homeschooled child not looking forward to going back-to-home
LETHBRIDGE, AB – Dreading the end of summer vacation, a local homeschooled child reported that she’s not looking forward to going back to her own house and starting grade 5. Rachel Moore, 1…
Trudeau’s tweet blamed for welcoming forests fires
OTTAWA – Conservative MPs were on the offensive today blaming a tweet made by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau that welcomed illegal forests fire crossing into Canada. While the opposition cou…
Canada considers tariffs on US canned water
OTTAWA – As a retaliation in an escalating trade war between the US and the rest of the world, Canada is considering placing a 25% tariff on all American canned and glass bottled water incl…
Dropped stainless steel water bottle ruptures eardrums within 40 km radius
MONTREAL — Disaster struck Monday when the sound of a stainless steel water bottle dropped on to a concrete floor ruptured the eardrums of everyone within the downtown core. The deafening e…
Report: Smug hotshot too good to climb stairs one step at a time
WINDSOR, ON – Early reports indicate that some pompous prick is far too good to walk up a set of stairs one step at a time like the rest of us. Nathaniel Smeeton, a conceited university stu…
Government experimenting with universal basic as fuck income program
OTTAWA – Rolling-out a series of pilot projects across the nation, the federal government announced Friday that it is examining the effects of handing out free yoga pants, Starbucks cards, …
