Settlers of Catalan declare independence, free ore and sheep for all
CATALONIA — Citizens of the Catalan region have voted to declare independence from Spain, while also promising free resource cards for all settlers. Thousands of settlers took to the street…
Friend with slow cooker suggests you get a slow cooker
MONCTON – Sources indicate that your friend, local data processor Jason Murray, has once again urged you to follow his lead and buy a slow cooker – the third such incident in the past…
New ‘Screemers’ haunted house features men explaining politics to women
TORONTO – Celebrating its 25th anniversary, popular horror entertainment company Screemers is adding a new attraction to their seven classic haunts, where guests are forced to endure a seri…
Following abortion clinic protest ban, man left with only 2,478 methods for screaming abuse at women
TORONTO – Local anti-choice activist Dan Jones is livid about a new bill passed by the Ontario legislature that leaves him only 2,478 other avenues to verbally abuse women. “There are only …
Elizabeth May to go as ‘major party leader’ for Halloween
OTTAWA – Green Party leader Elizabeth May has announced that she plans to get into the Halloween spirit by dressing up as a “major party leader” this October 31st. “Halloween is a chance to…
Morneau on fall fiscal update: ‘My stocks are doing great!’
OTTAWA – The federal Liberals are announcing good news about Canada’s economy: Finance Minister Bill Morneau stocks are booming. Forgoing the traditional fall fiscal update details such as …
Brave Senator who endorsed, voted for Trump praised for running away from situation he created as fast as possible
Luke and the Panel (Alex Huntley, Craig Fay and Marilla Wex) discuss the Liberals conveniently timed budget update, the ‘who gives a shit’ Bill Morneau scandal, Quebec’s attempt…
Google Home uses machine learning to become quietly traumatized as it listens to you masturbate
CUPERTINO, CA – In a worldwide first, a software update pushed to all Google Homes this holiday season will allow the diminutive little device to use the latest in machine learning technolo…
Experts warn against participating in #asbestoschallenge
OTTAWA, ON- Following a recent survey of medical research, a panel of scientists have discovered that the ‘asbestos challenge’ currently trending on social media is not the harmless f…
Edmonton Catholic schools demand own shame-based Sex Ed curriculum
EDMONTON – In an effort to avoid Sex Ed curriculum they deem “problematic,” Alberta Catholic school superintendents have asked to develop their own sex education curriculum focused on shame…
