VANCOUVER — In a shocking turn of events, Vancouver city officials have announced the city may soon be making the landmark purchase of a second snowplow.
Residents of the usually mild-weathered metropolis are in disbelief, as many have never even seen a snowplow in action, let alone two. “I had no idea we even had the one to begin with,” admitted local Janet Thompson. “To be honest, I assumed the snow just went away on its own – melted or whatever.”
Many Vancouverites are excited about the possibility of a second plow. “I’m glad the city is taking this seriously,” said Dave Rodriguez, a resident who didn’t even attempt to drive to work. “I was almost going to have to do something drastic like switch over to snow-tires like a bumpkin.”
The decision to potentially double the size of the city’s fleet comes after a gruelling winter storm hit the Lower Mainland on Tuesday, causing chaos on the roads and leaving many stranded. Local meteorologists have called the storm a once-in-a-lifetime freak weather event, the likes of which has not been seen since December 2021.
“Each winter we inevitably get a dump of snow but later deny it ever happened.” said Mayor Ken Sim when asked about the delay in fleet upgrades. “Culturally, Vancouverites prefer to maintain a sort of ‘weather superiority’ over other Canadian cities. That’s why it’s so hard to get funding proposals for snow removal passed — it would leave a paper trail.”
The city’s sole snowplow driver, Rick Vanier, is enthusiastic. “Manning the lone snowplow that services all of Vancouver the past three decades, I never imagined I’d ever have a co-worker,” he said. “Work Christmas parties are going to be twice as jolly! Santa gets an elf!”
While the city council will meet next week to discuss the potential purchase, it has already been met with political backlash. “I can’t believe they’re even considering it,” said Debbie Williams, a concerned citizen. “I mean, how often does it even snow here? Once every thousand years? I think we’re better off just staying inside, closing our curtains, and never discussing this issue.”
Despite the backlash, city officials remain determined that action must be taken. “As much as I’d love to, we can’t continue to manage snow by ignoring its existence,” said Mayor Sim. “It’s not like the local homeless population.”