90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party

– For the first time in his long life, habitual abstainer Jack Pilman will cast a ballot in a Canadian election, throwing his support behind the party.

“Normally I just let the elections go on by, but this time it’s different. There’s an electricity in the air,” said Pilman. “We gotta get rid of that Harper skunk and it’s only [Social Credit party leader] John Horne Blackmore who’s got the stones to do it. And don’t nobody give him guff about being a Mormon! He’ll be judged for that in due time.”

The Social Credit party was founded in 1935 in response to dissatisfaction with the handling of the . The party enjoyed some success in the 40s but has had disastrous showings in each of the last few federal elections. Many experts believe this is due to the party dissolving in 1993.

Pilman says that he’s had enough of the Conservatives pandering to the left.

“Have you heard about this Tommy Douglas ponce? Running around, spouting off about socialized healthcare as if we aren’t five minutes away from being invaded by Krauts,” said Pilman. “Harper hasn’t said a dadgum thing about that troublemaker. If this nation doesn’t adopt the right-minded policies of Social Credit then soon we’ll all be hoeing fields under the yoke of layabouts and sluggards.”

At press time, Pilman was considering strategically voting for the Unionists.

BREAKING: We wrote a fucking book