QUIZ: Answer these 5 questions and we’ll tell you if you were popular in high school
Have you ever wondered how popular you were in high school? Answer these 5 simple questions to find out if you were just another face in the crowd or some sort of prom regent. Images via Deposit …
Facebook’s new algorithm to block fake news and pictures of Kim’s stupid fucking baby
MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA – After continued criticisms about its role in the 2016 Election, Facebook’s CEO, Mark Zuckerberg announced that his company would be implementing a new algorithm to stop t…
Brian Mulroney stays up all night writing daughter’s victory speech
TORONTO – With the sun rising on the day of the Ontario PC leadership vote, a haggard Brian Mulroney has completed writing his daughter’s victory speech. While the speech had already been w…
Canadians tacitly accept ‘Rim’ and ‘Win’ as a rhyme for 32nd year in a row
HAMILTON – Remaining willfully blind to proper poetic structure in order to maintain a chance at winning a free coffee, Tim Hortons customers across Canada participated in Roll Up The Rim T…
Alexa accidentally transmits laughter from Amazon HQ to users
SEATTLE – Reports from multiple users that Alexa devices are randomly emitting laughter have been traced to a live microphone in the data harvesting centre of Amazon’s Seattle headquarters.…
Recently tenured prof glad he doesn’t have to close door when he shits anymore
TORONTO – University of Toronto psychology professor Jamie Pasternak is relieved he finally has tenure and can therefore keep the door wide open when he drops deuces from now on. “As a new …
Women’s child-bearing hips too wide to fit in voting booth, say men
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. January 31st, 1916 WINNIPEG – Despite desperate pleas regarding hip …
Known creep posts ‘Happy International Women’s Day’ status on Facebook
MILTON, ON – Presenting a progressive public image, local creep Bruce Jamieson, 28, a man who has a noted history of ignoring consent and sexual misconduct, posted a Facebook status today t…
Proving economists at your uncle’s house right, Ontario’s minimum wage hike has completely destroyed the economy
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Just a heads up to treat your adopted cousins the same as your normal cousins
By: Aunt Pam Greetings Tompkins Family! I know there’s no big gathering coming any time soon but I felt compelled to write to you all to remind you of something that’s been bothering me for a whi…
