Baltimore, MA — Americans have been shocked by research from the University of Maryland that reveals, contrary to popular belief, that the best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a lawn dart.
“Just think of all the casualties that could have been prevented if we’d known this sooner,” said Dr. Tasha Sims, University of Maryland’s lead researcher on issues of gun violence. “Now all we need to do is arm teachers with big darts and mass shootings will be a thing of the past.”
Lawn darts, a casual outdoor game that uses 12 inch darts with sharp, weighted, metal tips, was banned in the US in 1987 following the deaths of three children. Said Jim Brooke of the Consumer Safety Commission at the time, “I’m sorry, but anything that dangerous has to be banned. Three kids? That’s too many deaths.”
However it was just this lethality that led to the discovery. “We were having a faculty picnic and someone brought out a set of contraband darts” said Dr. Sims, “They threw a dart high in the air and everyone scattered. That’s when I had a eureka moment. ”
Methods of defense include throwing a lawn dart at a gunman’s face, throwing a lawn dart at a gun, and just holding a lawn dart in a threatening manner until the shooter panics.
“Bullets from AR-15s can travel up to 3000 feet per second, causing shock waves to travel through a victim’s body, damaging tissue far outside the path of the actual bullet, so you know, it would be nice to have something to defend against that” said Jeremy Smith, a hobbyist, “We’re not even talking about automatic darts, just single shot”.
Further studies have been commissioned to see if other banned items make effective defenses against automatic rifles. Raw milk has proven disappointing, but researchers are confident in their high powered Kinder Surprise Egg railgun.